So... my child's father and I have been dating for about 5-6 months before I got pregnant. At first, after a few dates, I was catching a vibe that we weren't on the same page, maybe I wanted something more serious.. so I started to back away & decline his offers to go out on more dates. I guess he felt the vibe & asked me out, saying that he felt I was backing away from him & didn't understand why. I finally agreed to go out with him again. I was very standoffish on the date & he finally brought up my current actions & wanted a reason... he deserved that, so I was honest. I told him I've been backing off of him because I wanted more, I wanted a real relationship & I wasn't getting the vibe The he wanted the same and if my vibe was correct, I just wanted to be left alone. He then said that he's sorry if I was getting that vibe but he wants exactly what I want & that we should see where this goes.. at that point, everything was clear & out on the table & dates continued. One rainy morning/early afternoon in NYC, we decided to go to IHOP by 14th street for brunch. It was a great eat & chat... at that time... I told him about my Bestfriend going through something with her boyfriend of 6 months... she had gotten pregnant & he pleaded for an abortion that she didn't get... he then said he wants no parts. My child's dad said how he didn't understand how a man wouldn't want to be apart of his child's life & that he would come around. We left.. & went home. Fast forwards to late May... I was on a project at my job where we were went to Staten Island(another far borough in NYC) to work overnights for two weeks. Two weeks except for the weekend, on that weekend where we got to go home... my child's dad claimed he missed me so much & wanted to spend time together before I went back for my 2nd week on Staten Island. I booked a hotel for my weekend just to stay in the gist of working overnights & going back to a hotel. So.... my child's dad & I went out May 29th 2016... to eat & a bar... & went back to my hotel room... I made him wait for sex, this was the first time we had had sex. First week of June... I was back for my 2nd week of overnights at work in Staten Island.... unbeknownst to me.... my baby was brewing & conceived. While on birth control. But because of the weird overnight schedule that my body wasn't quite used to... I switched up my intake Time because I was noticing I was missing days due to falling straight to sleep after work. I guess that's why it failed. 2nd week of O.N's was completed and early June, we was back home.. I noticed that once June came... I was EXTREMELY emotional, moody and sad & I thought it was because of something else.... here's alittle backdrop story... that something else was... 9 months prior to June... I was pregnant for the very first time in my life & gotten an abortion because the father asked me to, regretted that decision from the moment I done it & I knew June would be such an emotional month for me(please don't judge me). So... here I am... in June... & crying like every other day, trying to blow off steam at the gym... then I realized... no... it's the birth control that's got me like this. So I stopped it & requested a doctors visit to change my dosage. June 16th 2016... I woke up one day, turned on my camera, because I wanted to start a YouTube show & decided I'd take a pregnancy test as my first show, being that I was going to my doctor anyway & they would test me there so I could change my birth control... hey... why not do it on film. NEVER EXPECTING A POSITIVE... I tested... & boom... POSITIVE. I didn't know how I was going to tell the dad... AT ALL... but I knew for certain I was keeping my child this time around no matter what. I just couldn't do it again... & the fact that I found out the same exact month I was suppose to give birth to my first... I just couldn't. My child came back to me, that's how I looked at it. Another shocker, the night before I had my abortion... I prayed to my child & to God to please forgive me& to please send me back my baby when the time was right, same spirit but different form... & would you look at that. He did. There was no way I was getting another abortion. So... Father's Day 2016, I told my child's dad... he was shocked and afraid. He then told me how much he cared for me but it wasn't the right time for us... & you know what came next... I refused. He told me... he is not ready so he wants no parts... I said that's a decision you'll have to live with but financially, you don't have an option. I guess he thought I was just talking. Anyway... fast forwards... Octoberish... we haven't talked for months but I was fed up... I contacted him from a secondary number because he wouldn't answer my old number... I told him that I was proceeding to go with child support so either you work with me or you get told what to do by the government. I also expressed to him some deeper feelings, such as Feeling used & played by him when all I tried to do was be honest about what I wanted, about how I told him about my previous abortion & that I Just emotionally couldn't do it again & he didn't care, about how all of his actions towards me changed once he found out... how he would call me everyday wanting to spend time together & now I couldn't even get in contact with him, how when I told him I had a migraine one day he offered to come all the way to my house to drive me to the hospital but now... nothing... I felt so played.... etc... all of these emotions. So, he Of course, answered due to being afraid of child support... then he tried to tell me how he didn't use me... blah blah & how he was happy she's a girl & how he wish this was at a different time.... blah blah because right after that.... he said how he'd help me with whatever needed as long as I don't go to C.S or anyone in his family or friends know about her... I agreed. But it hurts.... ALOT. I realize... I can't force him to be emotionally connected to his own child,  but I can force financial help. Sad circumstances... anyway... he's brought her a few items already... but it doesn't measure up to him not asking a simple,  "how is she?" here & there. These sad circumstances... hurt... really bad. I just feel awful for my baby girl... I pray to love her 10x's harder now. For the lack of her fathers love. Anyway.... my Bestfriend had her baby 12/04.... her child's dad is actually coming around & she tells me that my child's dad will probably do the same... but I honestly just don't see it. He just doesn't care. At all. I pray to be stronger for my little girl. Anyway... haven't spoken to him in two weeks since he brought her last items. I'm going to contact him in a few days with some more items to purchase for her but I'm just so angry with him sometimes... most times.... ALL the time! lol & I hate it when he tries to be friendly with me and make little jokes here & there... ugh! Just stop! We're not friends & your a horrible person(that's what I want to scream)!!! I really just want to write him a note with all my true feelings one day... I think I actually hate him.... -sigh- I also want to request that he takes me to the hospital when my water breaks & brings me home afterwards... since he has a car & it will be pretty cold in Feb here in NYC... I can hear the excuses now, but screw it!!! It's the least he can do!! I'm just really starting to become fed up... & baby girl isn't even here yet.. I just don't want her to suffer from not having a father... like I did. Ugh... I really tried not to have these circumstances for her... I really did. Her dad & I are from two different cultures... he's Egyptian & I'm American, so I'm sure there are reasons why he doesn't want his family or friends to know about her but at this point... I'm starting not to care anymore... I've been doing my research& I found some of his family on Facebook.. even after him blocking me, that's what my friends are for :) But honestly... when she is born... I'm really considering reaching out and telling them.... starting with his sister. Well... story time over... it's just I REALLY need to get some of these emotions off of my chest & mind sometimes.... & I'm too embarrassed most times to tell people.. I guess that's what therapy is for huh ? lol Pray for me please... just trying to keep it together.