Wanting to start trying for our rainbow

In April, I was 21.6 weeks pregnant when I was diagnosed with severe Preeclampsia and Hellp Syndrome. I was sent from one hospital to another one over an hour away they was more equipped to deal with my condition as well as a very premature birth. It wasn't very long before I was told that I would die if I didn't deliver my son soon and that my health was gradually declining. After some pleading, I was told there is no way of treating hellp syndrome except for delivery. We were told the chance of our son surviving was next to none at 21 weeks. We were devastated. I spent a week in the hospital because my bp would not regulate even with three different bp meds.

In October, I had my 6 month follow up with the doctors who diagnosed me and delivered our son. Of course, Hellp syndrome is already extremely rare, but having it as early as I did is even more rare. I was given a clean bill of health. We were told that I was healthy enough to try again and that I'd be monitored very closely as it's not uncommon for hellp to occur in subsequent pregnancies. At that point, we both weren't sure we were ready yet.

In the middle of November, we decided to stop preventing a pregnancy (we were using condoms as I can't be on bc for health reasons anymore), but we weren't going to be officially trying. Just let it happen. Well, all of a sudden my husband started pulling out. He did it once and I just thought whatever, but he does it almost every time now and it just devastates me. In 8 months, I've watched so many friends and family announce pregnancies and births and I want nothing more to be pregnant again. We've talked about it, and yes, we are both afraid of the risk there is looming over us, but as we neve no living child, we decided we'd try again. I'm just so frustrated and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the holidays coming up. I told him I was done with sex if that's what he's going to continually do. It just ruins it for me. I understand he's afraid, but we've talked about it. It was his idea to stop using protection! I just don't know what to do. I'm sick and tired of seeing everyone else having babies, especially those who don't even take care of the babies they've already got. Anyone else go through this?

Sorry for the long post. :(