The short story is that my father is an alcoholic who struggles with depression and anxiety, and has a nasty temper. My childhood wasn't awful but it wasn't good. Damn it, I don't know if I can put it that simply.

 He was my worst bully growing up. For reasons unknown to me, between my sister and I he picked on me far more often. {Is it because I look like you? Because I had the most energy but was the most forgetful and dreamy? ???} He was worst to my mom. He threw things at her and told her he was going to kill her and said many terrible things children shouldn't hear. I dreaded coming home from school, and since my parents live in the countryside I couldn't escape until I was 16. Until I moved out every day had the expectation of being uncomfortable around him, to feel his hatred. When I tried to put space between us he would follow me around, yelling then apologizing then yelling again. He choked me and pushed me down and grabbed me too roughly. He didn't stop when I told him he was hurting me and he made fun of me for crying. The bruises he left were purely emotional ones.  All of this for petty things that had nothing to do with me. He would get within inches of my face while pinning me against the wall and force me to look into his eyes and all I saw was hate. He hasn't been able to hold down a job for years. My mom supports him financially and emotionally. 

I was relieved when I moved out of the house at 18. I pushed everything to the back of my memory and focused on my own life...college, boyfriend, traveling. But I feel guilty that my mom and my sister are still there, still dealing with his bullshit. After traveling for 6 months I recently visited them and ended up staying for a month. It was hell. My dad is desperate for me to keep pretending to love him but I am sick of pretending that everything is okay. He is drinking more than ever and he has no grasp on reality anymore. I have been trying to reflect on the past, on the things I considered normal as a child that I realize now aren't at all. I'm having a hard time of it.

 My mom has considered divorce over and over but won't commit. I am scared for her. I am scared for the scars my sister and I carry. I don't know how to face what has happened in my life. It was only a little over a year ago that I moved out of their house. 

I feel like I need to get things out of me but I don't know how. I guess I'm trying to start here.