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My best friend left me 4 months ago
He was my best friend. Always there when I needed to talk to him, reliable...and I can be a difficult person to understand and relate to at times but he always seemed to understand without difficulty and when I needed to be set straight, he would, without hesitation make sure I got my head out of my ass..which it tends to be stuck a lot of times (lol).
My relationship with him romantically was up and down and after two years and some really shitty situations, we ended things with a fiery arguement, lots of hurt feelings and now everything is kind of settled. I am 9 months pregnant and have done my best to move forward and remain on civil terms with him. Occasionally he will text me and we have conversation. This isn't his first rodeo with a girl being pregnant...his ex before me got pregnant by someone else and let him believe the baby was his for the entire pregnancy...and then it turned out, it wasn't his. When he found out I was pregnant and it also happened to be a girl (which, he's always wanted) he told me that when he found out the other girls baby wasn't his...it was the worst pain he had ever felt and never wanted to feel pain like that again. He's expressed anxiety about becoming a parent and of course, has requested a DNA test..which is fine by me and I know he will make an amazing dad and he has already expressed his strong desire to be an active role in her life. We discussed children multiple times throughout our relationship.
I've done the best I can to distract myself and make the best out of us splitting up but it seems the last few days have been more than I can handle. I'm taking my medication for my depression and I see a therapist and I hang with friends but...none of them really understand and it's not hard to tell they don't REALLY care or dismiss my calls for help (I detach from myself frequently during anxiety attacks and I've learned to recognize my symptoms.) and say things like, "Don't worry. Once the baby is here. She will make you happy." Which, yes..I'm very excited to meet my baby but it doesn't help me now..when really, the only thing I want is some company and even that seems to be to much to ask for.
So, you see...I fight with myself to the point of driving myself insane in regards to if I break down and text my ex since he has always been there for me and has expressed that it's not a big deal if I need him or do I leave him be because I feel like such a burden to him..so, I lay in bed and cry and cry.
I guess I'm just posting this because I feel like it's the last place I have to go and I don't have anyone else I can talk to without being a burden. I feel like I lost a huge part of me when he left and I feel ridiculous. I'm a grown woman who has faced death and despair and heartbreak but...this time it's much more than I can take.