I am so lost. over a boy. for the first time in years. help.

This is long. I'm sorry. 

I am scarred. So so so bad. I do not see myself as attractive and on most days have accepted the fact that I am probably not relationship material. I just don't think that I am meant to have one in this life time like everyone else does. Long term person by your side that you are intimate with in every way. 

This little prequel brings me to my predicament. I have a "friend" (yes you know the one, the one where one or both are in denial about anything possibly more? Yeah that "friend".)0 Anyways I have known him about three years now and honestly the first two were very nonclimatic. We would talk via text mainly and it took me three months to work up the courage to meet him. 

He tried kissing me that first night and i literally bitch slapped him. 😂 I had been single two years and was still so traumatised from the relationship before. 

Anyways moving forward he and I would talk/ not talk/talk and so on until 2015 when at the beginning he wanted to have sex with me and although I was hesitant I allowed him to convince me it would be for my benefit. Got to "D" day and the guy comes over and starts texting girls that he wants to see after me. Like that same night. Maybe. You know?  😡

Anyways long story short I kind of booted him out, told him not okay with me and that although we weren't in a relationship I had given him my born again virgin flower and he made me feel disgusting and not good enough. I told him he had basically proved true my biggest fear. That no one would ever want me enough to put me first. 

We didn't talk for along time and then we get to last year. In august. It was like he had matured or something. He messaged me randomly out of the blue. He behaved differently. Was a lot more open and apologised for his ahh... moment? And we started talking again. At first once a month then every week then every few days and then we hung out again. He was full of compliments and blah blah and we ended up kissing. 

Moving forward again we have spoken progressively more and more over the last few months gotten to know each other more and more. He had a girl he was interested in so we backed off on the kissing and just talked. I backed off and let that relationship run its course. In the end the girl shot herself in the foot and he was a bit of a mess for awhile. then one night a very drunk him told me that he really wanted to be with the one girl he couldn't be with. He told me that she was far less ready then he was and that he just couldn't go there. He told me he loved her but just plain no. 

Given my very lacking state of dating it took me awhile to catch on he was talking about me. I shrugged it off to drunk people speak and didn't think much of it. Then he proceeded to say it again the next couple of times I saw him too. Far less drunk and more coherent though so This completely threw me and then it was like something in my brain exploded. 

It was like hey! I want this. Do I want him? I think I do? Don't I? Do I? And so I had a moment or six there where I thought I had fallen for him. He awakened all these blights in my I had kept squashed for years. 

In the end the mind games I had with myself were to much and so I told him I had to stop with the physical for awhile because I felt like I was liking him a little to much and needed to pull back before I get to attached. 

And now after all that here comes my deliemma. 

When I told him I liked him he was very gracious. Said he understood and would respect my wishes and just wanted one more night with me to send it off with a bang. Never confirmed or denied whether or not he liked me back.

now he messages every day. And every time I say no or I need to stop he tries harder to woo me. 

He doesn't want to be with me. He just wants to be my friend. Who does me. (His words).

He tells me everything. He constantly messages. He is sweet. Patient. Puts up with my mental lalaness from the past. No matter what I say or do he sticks around. 

But he doesn't want to be with me. But he doesn't want me to go looking either. Then he says and does things that puts me back in my place. Like he. Light gifts for the other females in his life for Christmas who apparently give him grief but nothing for me.

I question and question why? Am I too fat? Would he be embarrassed by me? Is it because I have kids and don't want anymore? Does he even like me? Am I bad at sex? Am I to ugly naked?

Then sometimes I think even dense me can see he likes me. Other times I feel at the bottom of the food chain. 

Then last night. We were going to step the sex up a lot.(yes I know. Someone remember that big sport I gave about not doing it anymore? Well he is a great wooer) and I freaked out. I got I. My head to much and just stood there like a deer in headlights. he is so patient but last night I think it changed. For me at least. I realise now i can't do it. Anymore and have to actually stop. I can't ask him to put up with my crazy. Something must have happened with him too as he was very quiet.  He seemed different. I am over thinking. I can feel it. 

Then he messaged me today as if nothing happened. And it's the same old stuff. 

But I don't know how he feels. He says one thing but then does another. Then goes back to another. 

What do I do? Does he like me? Someone get me a brick wall so I can bang my head against it please. 

Help. 

Thanks for reading. I have no friends and so I had this all bottled up.  It didn't even write like I wanted it too.