Why does it always feel so rubbish?

After I can off the implant it became quite evident that my periods were irregular going from 28CDays to 50+.

 I was getting sharp cramp on my right side but despite raising both issues with my doctor I was told it was just the implant wearing off (this was already 6 months after I came off it). I went back to a dif DR in the summer and without even seeing me (it was a telephone  evaluation) she immediately put me in for an Ultrasound and blood test. My ultrasound showed that I had a lot of cysts on my right ovary (suprise surprise!) and my left was pretty much fine. Had ovulation blood tests done for 3 months and they also came back fine. Because my hormones tests came back normal my doc can't difinitively diagnose me with PCOS. 

So every month that AF doesn't show it gets my hopes so high but I continually battle with myself because it's more likely that I'm just having an out of whack cycle. Same again this month. And it is so crap. 

Ovulated around the 19th Dec, AF was due 3rd Jan, then thought It was coming early on the 1st Jan because i had some cramping but it never showed. I'm now CD 39 - had a BFN on day 34 and again today. I've had the WORST gas ever in my life the last week, makes my tummy hurt so much, I'm exhausted and I keep thinking the cat food in the next room is my husband cooking 😂😂 could I still be pregnant?!? That's always the hopeful question! 

So confused, so fed up. Just want to close my eyes, open them and be pregnant. 😔