Don't read this post thinking I'm a dumb girl suffering for her boyfriend. Because when you love someone or at least you think you do, you will do anything to keep him close.

Im am 20 year old girl living abroad. Ive been here for two years, and last year I had the luck to meet who I can say has become my favorite person in the world. We do everything together from waking up,  going to the grocery shop, going to the library, peeing, laughing, eating, and back to going to sleep. I had never had a boyfriend.. and never though the feeling was going to be so special, I never want to leave him or be apart from him, except when sex time comes. 

Don't think I don't like sex.. when it all started, I felt like it was something I had been missing out on (I lost my virginity to him) He makes me feel hot and special, and like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. But, approximately 9 months ago I had my first yeast infection, it was such a terrible pain every time we tried to be intimate, but because I had never had it I had no clue what was going on. After several very painful attempts I decided to go to the Gynecologist  (just imagine if you are scared of going to the gynecologist, picture me in a complete different country in another language and to just make it worse it was a 68 year old guy) I was trembling and preparing my speech, translating all the words he would might ask. After the consult I felt relieved apparently it was super normal and was going to be over after 3 pills and some fungi cream. But the thing came back, and back and once more. These 4 times i went to the same doctor scared and with the same nervous feeling (i guess you really never get used to it). 

Everyone keeps telling me yeast infections are normal, but when you have one every three weeks you just feel abnormal. My boyfriend was very patient but i saw how he felt scared, not only because one of his favorite moments with me was being ruined but because he was scared to hurt me. Many times we tried where I ended with tears in my eyes but kept telling him to try again. I just wanted the moment to be done. He felt like he was raping me and it all wasn't very intimate or passionate at all. That happened various times and every time I started getting more and more scared of the act, to the point where he even touched my arm and i would think -oh no, he's horny. here we go again.- And I would do it just because I don't want him to feel like we are an abnormal couple.

 Here I am again with a yeast infection, with a vaginal tablet in, and lots of cream around it, writing this. Because I have no one to talk to, no one to tell how scared i am of sex, no one to tell how every time it comes to mention I try to avoid it, how even the thought of it makes me cry. How I want to be normal, be sexy for him, and be able to please him, but most important also please myself. Ive been to other 2 doctors, also in german, and i don't know why, also old men (apparently here theres only them). I feel like they don't  know whats wrong with me and keep prescribing me the same pills. I keep hoping one day that 68 year old german doctor is going to say - oh here is the real problem, and this is the cure for it.- but other part of me just thinks that that's it, you are supposed NOT to like sex. And from now on you wont want to have it. 

But does that mean I loose my best friend and lover? does that mean, even if he leaves I'm not supposed to find someone that will want me without the sex part? I feel like all relationships have sex as an important part of their life, and Im so jealous of those girls who can wait to get their hands on their boyfriends. I want to make him feel special and sexy, I want to be able to feel intimate in every level with him. He has so much patience with me, and we have even talked about a sexless relationship but i just feel like that should not be my life now. Specially because I am 20 year old who just discover this part of life. Why does it have to be so hard to enjoy it? 

Now I'm on the last day of my treatment and we had sex hours before. It was painful but i couldn't tell him. He asked a couple of times but i couldn't bare to destroy all his hope again. I have done it already too many times. But now i feel more alone than ever. Im considering the fact of just keeping quiet from now on and just be hopeful, that one day it will all get better, and my confidence will come up again. Sorry for the long post, just needed someone to talk to.