Not cramping,not cramping.....ok maybe a little

every month I try to convince myself that AF will not show her ugly,unwanted face. I tell myself that those obvious cramps that I feel are implantation cramps(even though I know they`re not). I start testing a week early because maybe its not too soon...I mean the box clearly says "6 days sooner". I look at the test for hours even though its invaid after 10 mins and when I do finally see a line a few hours later...or the next morning I convince myself that maybe it was there the whole time and i just didnt look close enough. And when AF is just one day late I'm completely convinced that I am pregnant...even though that digital I took 2 days ago said I wasn`t. and when AF does show up I doubt it as AF...maybe its implantation bleeding or break through bleeding...I could still be pregnant right? And when the realization of AF really sets in I convince myself that maybe Glow was off on my ovualtion day....its a never ending cycle.I tell myself that next month I won`t track anything and I`ll just let it happen....yeah right

the hardest part about struggling with infertility isn`t the infertility.the hardest part is watching everyone else get pregnant and stay pregnant(three miscarriages for me).a few days ago man that works close to my work and a man I`ve seen on more than one account was arrested because he paid a woman for almost 2 years so that he could have sex with her daughter. the girl was 2 when it started!this woman had 4 children!how is it that she deserves children but I don`t?i`m not perfect and won`t pretent to be but I`m pretty convident that I can do a better job of protecting and caring for my children than she has.there are women out there during meth and God knows what else while heart breaks for those babies and children.I just wish I knew why tese women are allowed to bare children but we can`t.not just me but all of you too. I`m praying for all of you and I hope you all become mothers soon.

sorry to make this funny than sad.meant to just make it funny but the little girls has been on my mind so I had to get it out.