I just need to write, and I don't if there's a soul out there who will even care or listen, but I can't keep this in me anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for someone to die from a broken heart because this hurts so bad, I feel like I'm just walking around half alive anyway. It all started when we moved across country for my husband's job. They only gave us a month's notice so everything happened REALLY fast. I share joint custody with my ex of the 2 most amazing little boys in the whole world. Per our custody agreement, I had to give him 60 days notice before I could move with the boys out of state. I didn't have that long before we had to move, but I gave my ex 60 days notice anyway and said I'd fly back on day 60 to bring the boys back with me (That would be roughly a month before I could be with my boys again, and I must've kissed them both a thousand times before I left and promised I'd be back for them. They were both so excited to move to a new home.). My ex and I both agreed that would work fine. It would give my husband and I time to find a nice home in a great neighborhood and get the house in good order for when the boys arrived. Before my husband and I left, my ex and I agreed that the boys would live with me during the school year and with him during the summer months. I thought we had it all worked out, so before I left, I went ahead and filed all the necessary paperwork with the court (cost me a lot of money but it was worth it) so that I could fly back on Feb 13th to pick them up. I filed the petition for relocation, the modification of parenting time, modification of child support, new parenting time plan, etc. I dotted all my "i's" and crossed all my "t's" to make sure I took all the necessary legal steps to bring my boys home with me. So here I am, so far away from them and missing them like crazy and just counting down the days when I can be with them again. About a week after my husband and I got here, we found a beautiful home in an amazing neighborhood. It's a private gated community with a top rated Elementary school just a five minute walk down the street. We've got a lake in the backyard, community pool, multiple parks in walking distance of our home... It's perfect, and we chose this location because my husband and I knew the boys would love it. Everyday I look out the window and watch the other kids that live here ride around on their bikes or play basketball and dream about how happy my boys will be and all the friends they'll make. I've decorated their rooms, which are still empty without them, and it breaks my heart seeing the kids riding around on their bikes here while my boy's bikes sit out on the back patio just waiting to be ridden. Sometimes I've even gone into their rooms and just held their pillows hoping I can catch their scent. I miss them SO BAD, as this is the longest we've ever been apart. The only thing that's given me solace is holding onto the thought that they'll be here soon, and I've already planned a hundred different things I want to do with them when they get here: The beach, fishing, hiking, Disney World, Universal Studios, Gatorland, etc. I've even daydreamed about walking them to school each morning, like I've seen the other mama's do here, and it's the only thing that's kept me strong. But then, a few days ago I get in the mail a response from the court stating my ex has decided to fight my petition for relocation. I feel so betrayed. He looked me dead in the face before my husband and I left and told me he was in total agreement with us, but then as soon we're gone, he stabs me in the back and goes back on his word. Now I don't know what's going to happen and I am heartbroken beyond words. I don't know why he's doing this, as even when we were together, the kids were always a nuisance to him (he'd prefer to be at the bar, drinking and playing pool rather than spend any quality time with them). Even now, he disregards them. He's always pawning them off on other people, and when I talk to them on the phone they are always either at my mom's house (where he will leave them for days, even though I don't mind that because my mom is AMAZING and I know they are always safe and happy with her) or being watched by his girlfriend. When I ask them where their dad is, the answer is always the same: "He's at the bar playing pool.". Why would he do this to me??? I know in his own way he loves our boys, and no parent would be thrilled with the idea of having their kids move all the way across the country from them (AZ to FL in this case), but he and I both know that when it comes to their utmost best interests and well-being, their place is with me, and he's admitted that multiple times. His argument in the court document he sent back is that "The military lifestyle of being transferred every 3 to 4 years to a new location isn't a stable one for raising children.". But being at the bar every night and pawning them off on grandparents, babysitters, and girlfriends so you can maintain your nightlife, player lifestyle IS???? I'm a homemaker and proud of it. My children are my world. They are what matter to me most, they are my #1 priority, and I am truly nothing if not a mother. Yes, the military may move us again, and we may need to relocate in another 3 years, but the consistency lies in a loving home (no matter where that may be), where their needs for unconditional love, learning, growth, nurturing, sustenance, safety and self-worth are values that endure no matter where we go. I'm so scared and I truly don't know what's going to happen now. Every night I wake up in a cold sweat terrified the judge will side with him and I won't be able to bring my babies home. I'd been literally counting down the days, and so have my boys, and now I don't even have the heart to tell them that they might not be able to come back with me on the 13th like I promised them. Now it's a waiting game that terrifies me and the future has suddenly become so uncertain. I've been waiting for some kind of word back from the judge regarding a court date or something, but I've received no further word. Part of me thinks my ex is doing this because he doesn't want to pay the increase in child support. He threw an absolute fit when he was ordered to pay child support the first time and even argued with the judge that the amount of $150/mo was too high. If they moved here with me and my husband, that rate would increase quite a bit, and I think that's why he's fighting this. If that's the case (and in my heart, I know it is because he loves his kids, but he loves his money more... always has, always will), then I don't even want his stupid child support. He can keep his money, I don't want a dime of it, I just want my children home with me. I've just fallen into this huge depression and every night I cry myself to sleep. I'm AZ, born and raised, and NOTHING is familiar here. I feel so completely out of place and just lost, and without my boys here with me, life is unpredictable, unfamiliar, new, scary and meaningless for me. I just pace the house when my husband is at work, I've lost my purpose. This house is not a home without my children. Every morning I wake up with this terrible, empty-feeling ache in my heart, and it never leaves me. I truly feel like the walking dead... just going through the motions of a living person. Every night before I go to bed, I beg and plead and cry to God to PLEASE bring my babies home to me, and all I get in response is a hollow nothing. I've started to question if there even IS a God, or if prayers are just unheard words that go nowhere, because I feel SO ALONE and so forsaken. What kind of God would let people hurt so bad??? And I'm not just talking about me, I'm talking about every mother in this world who has ever pleaded with God on behalf of her babies... How could a "loving God" ignore this?? I'm sorry if I sound so negative, but this is how I feel. I've lost my faith and my heart is broken. I doubt anyone has read this far, but like I said, I just needed to write this, and I guess in a way, this was kind of my own way of saying a prayer and feeling at least a little better knowing there might be someone on the other end of it. I feel like all my other prayers have gone unheard.