ALCOHOLIC - what did you do?

(My answer is I hide it and pretend)

To start off, I had my first shot of Vodka at 14. I will never forget the horrible taste and told myself, "This is not for me.. How could anyone drink this stuff?" I mingled with the wrong crowd, to say the least. Being young & dumb, I still hung out with them but I controlled myself & never drank. I was in a relationship from age 14-17 and he was an alcoholic. I remember at 15 years old, I had a binge night with him and it was horrible. He suffered from depression and was so lost, but I stayed.

Fast forward a little & by the age of 17 we ended things & I realized I started to drink more & more. From fruity drinks, to beer and mainly hard liquor. I met someone later on in the year (6 mos later approx) still 17 and he was 20. He wasn't huge on drinking. So, here I am at 17, pretty much drinking every other day ... by 18, used to drink at school, at home, etc. By 19, full blown alcoholic & today at 20, can't go a day without getting drunk. I can't even leave my house without being drunk.

I'm still with the same person (3 years now). I feel stuck though. I'll wake up in the middle of the night from terrors, shake uncontrollably, it's all I think about from sun up to sun down, it's interfered with my work, relationship and entire life.

I don't even recognize myself anymore. I don't have any friends. & I feel bad that I always force my bf to buy it for me, but if I don't have it I literally shut down, am angry, and cannot function.

I really need help and I'm not looking for anyone to say, "Just stop." Is anyone an alcoholic or has had an SO who wasn't?

I literally break down and beat myself up everyday - and it doesn't help that my SO cannot seem to understand and just says he wants me to get better, but then makes me feel even worse about it. I am lost.

If I can talk to someone please leave your email or a different way to contact you ♥