Not sure if i should tell anyone

I'm 1 month PP. It was a very unwanted pregnancy for me. Now that he's here i feel up and down crying sometimes i dont know why. I feel hopeless about my situation. I think about my life before i got pregnant and wish i could go back and change it all. I dont want to hurt my baby i do love him but i dont want to be a mother. I wasn't easy for me physically, mentally, or emotionally. Im in a terrible way past failed relationship. I feel like this pregnancy mutilated my mind body and spirit and it wasnt worth it. I feel guilty for feeling like this about my baby. Sometimes i feel strong live for him and other times i wonder how he even came from me. It's weird up and down. Im irritable and moody abs want to just get away from it all. I've talked to my sister about it and she thinks i have PPD but im not sure. I dont want to kill myself but sometimes i wish i were dead. If by some chance i have it i wouldnt know how to tell my doctor. I dont talk about my feelings very much and it would be even worse talking about something like this. I wish i could just be happy about this. Through my whole pregnancy i didnt want to be pregnant and i was hoping something would change after giving birth. But nothing did.