dreading my Pap smear and physical

I've had them before . But I went through this phase where I would weigh myself a lot and it got obsessive and ruined my self esteem and made me depressed and triggered my anxiety every time I saw 1 pound more on the scale . It caused me to work out multiple hours of the day and not eat much which was obsessive and so unhealthy for me . It triggered an eating disorder . It wasn't healthy so I stopped stepping on a scale altogether . I know I'll be weighed at my physical and I know
I've gained weight . I don't want to know how much I weigh as I'm scared it'll trigger me again . I'm so nervous about the doctor talking about my weight as it's a huge trigger for my anxiety .