Hey guys I just have to say this because It has been eating at me for years I will do my best not to get into great detail... I have my long version and my short version... this is the short version.

I had my first sex talk at the age of 11 when I started my period... and it was an awkward in anyway but it was more terrifying than anything ... I was always taught as a child you don't let boys touch me because it always leads to other things like pregnancy and STDs unless I waited till marriage... anywho my mother told me a very horrifying story about all these things and possibly happened to me if I had sex or anything physical with the boys so that stuck with me...

Throughout my entire life I've had a total of 8 boyfriends, One of which I am currently  married too... My first three boyfriends all cheated on me because I didn't give up the goods... One of those three boyfriends also became very abusive... After my third boyfriend and I broke up I had an incident which ended with me having my virginity forcibly taken from me by one of my best friends at the time... I then went on to date three other guys who are of a much more mature age my mother wasn't happy but I told her they weren't doing anything with me inappropriate (groping or having sex of any kind) and I made sure she met them... After them I went on and dated one of my friends I had known since middle school and even though we like each other a lot our relationship still ended and hellfire... I had really lost faith in guys and then I met my husband he was a super sweet guy and he seemed perfect in every way... well he was my perfect... he waited until I graduated high school and turned 18 and we got married...so I'll fast-forward to our third year of marriage I found out I was pregnant... We were so excited... when I was about five months pregnant I lost my grandfather and you know how they say that the honeymoon phase last maybe about 3 years so... well they were right the devastation of losing my grandfather changed everything for me... my rose-colored glasses have come off and I started seeing things about my husband I had never seen before... I had trusted him completely all up until then I never noticed before how he kept his phone so close to him all the time... So one day he went somewhere and forgot his phone, I took it as an opportunity to see what you been hiding... if there was ever a gold mind for cheating husbands I had found it... they were text messages, pictures, voicemails and emails... it was anything from him telling women that we were getting a divorce to him being single having a crazy ex-girlfriend pretty much anything he could say or do to get he wanted from the other women.I came home I asked him about it and he denied denied denied... I probably should have left them but I stayed... so over the next few years we went through the same cycle and our marriage had gone from bad to a living nightmare for me and we had another baby... we had lots of arguments, talks of divorce, counseling sessions, I even told him to take some time away from me and the kids which he was not happy with... but we stayed together and had another baby... after our third child was born we took another turn down a darker path I had found him posting adds soliciting sex... he was on a ton of dating sites and in current contact with a woman through email who knew he was married and didn't care... when I showed him everything and confronted him about it he became irate and we got into a physical altercation... and I decided I was going to leave and take our children to my mothers for a few days... things die down and I went back but the abuse didn't stop and threats were made that if I ever left he would keep our children from me which would literally kill me...I felt like losing my children was far worse than him hitting me so I agreed to stay if he promised to stop hitting me go back to counseling and to change. So here we are eight years into our marriage  and things are finally looking uphe's gotten the help that he needed and everything has gotten better... but I still don't trust him and I'm not even sure if at this point I love him anymore my heart is so numb at this point, but I don't want my children to grow in a broken home... so I don't know what to call it stupidity or my therapist called it boredline stock-home syndrome... but whatever it is I call it my life... 

If you do leave a comment and you've been through something like this I just want to know how you cope or what you did to change your situation...