Ya know, Ive been thinking a lot...

After my brain surgery, I was VERY limited on what I could do physically and I was very depressed and I gained weight and I hated myself. My dad must have been inspired because one day he told me we were going to go for a run. And I HATED RUNNING with all the burning depths of hell. I dont know why I stuck with it for months and months, I just forced myself because that was one of the only exercises I could do. My dad went with me a lot, but I mostly started running alone. I dont know why because I hated it so much and I fainted or nearly fainted a lot because it was hard for me to figure out what to eat to keep my blood sugar up, plus I had yet to find the right rhythm and angle to hold my head at while running so I wouldn't lose my vision and get headaches. Then, one day.... I loved it!

I lost weight, but with life events and more battling with mental illness and just highs and lows of life - I would gain and lose twenty pounds over and over and over again. And the whole time I HATED myself and my body. I would go from counting calories and only eating 1200 calories a day while running at least a 5k a day, to not eating at all, to binge eating, and then to trying to throw up every time I ate. I was a mess. Then Id learn and be healthier with eating habits and everything for a while. Like I said - had a lot of highs and lows.

Now, I am pregnant with a baby girl and will be full term this weekend. Wow! And having gained 40 pounds now - I have had a lot of over thinking this entire pregnancy about weight gain. I go back and forth between loving my body and not liking it... though Ive never gone as far as to really hate it again because it is, after all, making a human.

As I sat, just the other day, looking at my many MANY stretch marks on my belly, breasts, hips, upper thighs, and lower back/upper butt area.... (I am COVERED and I didnt even have a single stretch mark pre-pregnancy) .... I cried. I cried a lot. I felt like I was mourning the loss of my young, toned, clear skinned, thin body. I cried that Im only 21 and Ill never have that gorgeous body back that I hated so much. I cant BELIEVE now how much I hated that body. It was seriously gorgeous and could hardly have gotten any better than that.

So Im going to learn myself a lesson. I cant promise I will always be perfect in remembering this lesson, but I am promising to try my best and never give up.

This is the lesson: to not waste another 5-6 years of hating my body.

What a waste of time.

I may have stretch marks and may have some loose skin once the baby is here and I may get more the more babies I have. I may gain weight, but I can always lose it and weight gain really isnt the end of the world (and boy am I excited to get back into running again!)

But I will NOT waste time hating a beautiful body that created a human and that can feed a human and that can run and cook and walk and jump and dance and love and skip and sing and play piano and laugh and... need I go on?

I am not wasting my time again.

I dont want to be 90-years-old wishing I hadn't hated my "mom bod" so much.

I dont want my beautiful and perfect baby girl to think its okay to hate her body that I just spent 9 months creating because it was NOT easy to do.... and especially because she is straight from heaven and has a purpose here in life to fulfill and it would be a waste of time to hate the body she was sent here to be in to fulfill that purpose. And I love her with all my whole soul. She is my daughter. And ya know, Im someone's daughter too.

Im thankful for this body and thankful for all I have and can do. This all sounds super cheesy, but I really just had to say it.

Thank you for reading this all, if you did.