I must be an idiot! Trouble in paradise 😔

My bf of almost 5yrs accused me of cheating last night because I was texting some guy who got my number somewhere, I was telling him to stop and leave me alone. BF freaked out, threw his phone on the counter and said he had nothing to hide and go threw his texts.... he's been texting and trying to hook up with 4 other women...

I'm so heartbroken because of the ordeal I went through this time last year with him 😔

December 2015 he cheated on me over Christmas and New Years.

In January 2016 I had a late period, it finally came 2 weeks late and it was very light and short. I had weird discharge for 2 weeks, then spotting, then a couple days later we had a huge fight and then I had the heaviest most painful period of my life which turned out to be a miscarriage.

Today is actually exactly 1yr from when I started to miscarry.

He cheated on me again on the weekend before Valentines day 2016 💔 then came back on Valentines and tried to have sex with me and I refused. I went to the hospital the day after because I was still heavily bleeding 6 days later, and they confirmed I was having a miscarriage. They also said I had gonorrhea and chlamydia, he had given me both after cheating apparently, and I had kept getting yeast infections too. It wasnt until after that night he told me he cheated on me multiple times since Christmas, then we had another huge fight.

I've never felt so used, alone and worthless in my life after all that. I felt disgusting and wanted to throw up and cry every day for about a month. I was so close to leaving him and I don't know why I didn't.

He had been using from December to March.

He's had a problem with substance abuse in the past and has been to jail for such things before.

I don't know why I still love him after everything he's done but he's all I have 😔

He went to jail when I was 15, he was there for about a year. Shortly after he got out we started seeing each other, I lost my virginity to him when I was 16, he was 28 then. I moved in with him when I was 17 almost 18. I'll be 21 this year and he just turned 32.

I don't really have anyone else but him in my life, I don't have a good relationship with my family, no friends either-- I just have him.

After he got off everything in March 2016 he promised he'd never leave me again and never use again and things were great again until September when he had a violent episode while using, he went back to jail and got out in November, then he spent the week before Christmas in jail again.

January was rocky and now here we are right before Valentines days again and he's looking for someone else. 😢💔💔

I'm feeling like it's my fault he keeps leaving and starts using again, like I'm making him feel like he has to. I feel like it has to be me, I must be doing something to be making him feel this way. Part of me wants to leave him right now and the other part is just so in love with him that I start crying when I think about losing him and being all alone again.

When things are good I still get butterflies when I see him and feel like he just asked me out for the first time again 💑💗 And when things are bad I get scared to be around him or talk to him, I feel alone and cry a lot until he stops.

I just am so conflicted, I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be given any sti's again and go through that heartbreak of being cheated on again 😢😭💔😢

Do I just suck at relationships? I've never been with anyone else but him but I feel like I just ruin everything.

I ruined my relationships with my family and friends by going out with him in the first place and they never wanted to see me again after that.

Sorry this is so long and sorry for bugging y'all, I just don't have anyone to turn to anymore. 😔