This is the saddest thing to see this morning. My period came in the middle of the night after two days of plummeting temperatures. When I entered my data this morning, the entire last month (the first after my MC in January) disappeared, and I'm left with a single dot. Day 1. An entire spread of empty days ahead. To some this might seem like a fresh start, a new opportunity, but to me it feels like all my hopes and wishes for the last month were swiftly wiped away. None of it feels like it mattered. It just disappeared.

I'm told to just stop thinking about it, it'll happen. Collecting data doesn't makes a difference, I know that. But it's the only sense of control I can feel on a daily basis. Getting a BFP doesn't seem to matter either. That can be a cruel joke in itself. I wish I was someone who could just let go and forget I'm even trying, but I spent months preparing myself mentally for the idea of having kids. I was ambivalent before, but after I got pregnant last month it's not a question anymore and I want it so badly.

We're out this month. We're out next month because of travel. I HAVE to find something else to occupy my mind. I feel like a failure. And my chart is just right now of how empty I am inside. I'm not a blank slate. I'm incomplete.

I never thought this would be me. I didn't think miscarrying could hit me so hard. I miscarried so early, I didn't even have a chance to get used to it all. But I felt special. I felt like my time had come. I was wrong then, and I was wrong again this month. It is so hard to stay positive and not get upset about this. I don't know how to not go all in, plan everything, track everything, analyze everything. I am one of those people. If you are like me, you know exactly what I mean and we struggle together.

Bless all of you that have gone through this for months or years. I feel so weak compared to those of you that have spent a lot more time than me diligently trying. I feel like I'm bleeding out a part of myself I just met. I can't even process the fact that I have to do this again in a month. Menstruation was nothing but an inconvenience before. Now it's a bit of me dying. And all I have left is a single dot.