Deep TTC thoughts

Jay
Even though I'm so early on (only 6 dpo) I just feel like I know this wasn't the month. Could it be that I've gotten so used to negative tests since trying for over a year? 
I try to keep a positive frame of mind like I tell others but sometimes I just can't seem to. 
I always give people the best advice , an bam they end up pregnant. 
I feed myself the same positivity an I'm left staring at a one liner. 
I dream of the day I can look down and see two pink lines. What would that feel like ? Would I cry uncontrollably, be in disbelief, drop to the floor praising God?
I want nothing more than to be a mother an experience pregnancy. I'd take the worst symptoms that everyone seems to complain about An happily receive them with a smile on my face because I'd know I finally got the baby I'd been praying for. 
Will it ever get easier ? Probably not. An to tell one to "calm down" or "not think about it" is so unrealistic . How can I not ? I've managed to take my worry down from a 10 to about a 3 on a good month. I tend to only think about it a few days until af is due..so much so I have this overbearing erge to test but the only thing stopping me is the constant feeling of defeat im all too familiar with.