**UPDATED Again! (6/29/17) : I really need some support. I'm about to break.
My daughter is 1 month old. I've been struggling with PPD since the first week. This is my second baby, my first is 3 years old. I've had clinical depression since 12 years old so I knew that I would most likely get PPD. I got my placenta encapsulated and take it daily in the hopes to combat the depression but it just isn't cutting it. My depression started out as anger. Anger towards my 3 year old son. Everything he did wrong made me extremely angry. (And 3 year olds just have a way of fucking with you and pushing all your buttons.) I would get so angry with him I began sending him to timeout more often and spanking him, which I usually don't spank unless he does something extremely dangerous and needs to learn. And then the sleep deprivation kicked in around 2 weeks PP. The night I went into labor, I didn't even have 2 hours of sleep. It's been 1 month PP and I still have not had more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep. I EBF so I'm up all the time. My SO works long and late hours. When he comes home he's exhausted and couldn't care less about how tired I am. He sleeps in late in the morning and naps until he has work again. He doesn't have a single god damn day off from work during the week. He works 7 days a week. He can't catch up on sleep. He won't help maintain the house. He barely takes care of our 3 year old, refuses to take him to the park to let out some energy. He won't wake up with our daughter for even a single feeding, burp, or diaper change. And won't really take care of her during the day either. I do everything myself. I take care of everyone. And I'm fucking tired of taking care of everyone. For once in my god damned life, I AM THE ONE that needs to be taken care of. I'm still fucking bleeding because I haven't been able to take it easy and heal. I had a huge clot at 2 weeks PP and my midwife sent me in for an ultrasound. The technician said I was over-doing it and my body wasn't healing properly. My SO didn't change anything and didn't try to help out more even though the doctor specifically said I needed to rest and take it easy. I'm so exhausted and angry and depressed and I feel like shit overall. I feel like the shittiest mom in the world. My son used to be my world, now all he does is piss me off. My baby won't let me put her down or she screams and cries. I can't even make myself anything to eat without her crying. I want to scream! My anxiety is coming back and I'm starting to get panic attacks. I've struggled with anxiety for most of my life too. I want to kill myself. I feel guilty and angry. I feel unloved and uncared for. I feel like a horrible person.
Today I was sobbing after my son had been defiant and destructive all day. He came up to me and tried to comfort me. He kissed me and hugged me and told me that he was "so sorry." After all day when he had cried I yelled at him. I told him he ruined everything (after he had ruined a few things, he does this daily.) I felt like shit. I didn't deserve his loyalty, his love, or his comfort. But I was so stuck in my own pitiful, pathetic moment that I made him leave. And I sent him to bed later. I didn't tuck him in or read him a story, like I usually do. He dressed himself for bed and then I heard him read himself a story and it broke my fucking heart. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate where my life is. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I can't take care of myself and I can't take care of everyone else. I just want to die.
I should've told my midwife a long time ago that I needed help, but I kept pushing it away and thinking it would get better. Now I finally texted her today and told her I'm depressed and need help. She set up an appointment for me on Monday. I don't know if it's therapy or medicine but I need something immediately. I don't know if I'll even make it. I feel like I'm going to break into a million pieces.
I don't have friends. I don't have a mom. I don't have any woman in my life to guide me or tell me it's okay. I'm so fucking lonely.
**UPDATE:
I had my appointment on Monday and started the medication Zoloft as soon as I picked up the prescription. This is day two of taking it so it's still early. But on a positive note I have been feeling more positive for the last two days. While we were out for the doctor's appointment I stopped by my son's old daycare to pick up some tax paperwork since we were in the area and I talked to the daycare director who has always been supportive and caring to me. She got to see my son and our new baby and I ended up confessing about my depression and she gave me a hug, told me she loved me and not to let myself fall too deep into it. I told her I was starting medicine and she reminded me to try other natural ways to help. She told me to try prayer. Now, I'm not religious. I was forced to grow up in a certain religion but didn't continue to follow as I became conscious of my own spirituality when I got older. Prayer has always been awkward for me, and I don't feel comfortable doing it. But I took her advice and prayed hard that night. Maybe I'm just tricking my mind into finding some reason to feel better, but whatever it is, I'll take it. I'll do whatever I can to stop feeling this way. I want to be happy. I want to feel connected to my children again. I'm really, really hoping that this medication does me well.
****SECOND UPDATE!!! (6/29/17)
Okay so I didn't realize people were still reading this because <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.nurture">nurture</a> hasn't been sending me notifications until today. Weird.
So I'm going to update everyone who has read this or will read this.
I'm now 5 months PP. I'm located in Washington. My baby was born in January so it was cold and grey and just ugly outside. I have pretty bad seasonal depression. Now it is June and the sun is out, the sky is mostly clear and I feel SO much better. My baby still wakes up several times throughout the night but definitely not every hour like she used to. I'm still tired as hell but I'm managing it. I stopped taking my antidepressants because it started making me even more suicidal than I was already feeling. I've been on many different kinds of medication since I was young such as antidepressants, antianxiety, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers. Things like that. I've been through therapy throughout my life. And I've been hospitalized multiple times from being suicidal... So yes. I stopped my medicine cold turkey, which I know is not a good idea. But I was taking a low dose, I couldn't get in to see the doctor. And I did not feel safe on that medicine. I got multiple urges throughout the day to just kill myself. That was terrifying. I felt the need to go be hospitalized but I couldn't because I am breastfeeding. And my partner refused to move his work schedule around to let me go get help. I quit the medicine so I could get better on my own. My babies kept me from taking my life. I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to guide them through life and watch them grow up. I got through it. I didn't think I would. But I did. So I've been off the medicine for a couple months now. The weather has been getting better. I've continued to pray. And I'm leaving my fiancé soon. He never changed. He has been the biggest unhappiness in my life. He's emotionally abusive and extremely unhelpful with my children. He's very immature and selfish. During this time that I've been trying to heal mentally, I've finally discovered my self worth. And I realize that I don't have to put up with his bullshit because I deserve better. I know he doesn't love me. And I don't love him either. I'm feeling a lot more confident. I've got a new job that I'm going to start training for next week so I can support myself and my babies.
I spent a lot of time feeling guilty for the way that I treated my son but I'm making up for it now. I'm enjoying spending my time with him as my baby is growing up. It's a lot easier now that she's now a brand new baby. Things are definitely getting better. Thanks for all the support you guys have offered. And if anyone else is reading this, because they're going through something difficult too, I hope you see that it DOES get better.
I was the lowest of the low. It's SO hard to get out of it but it is NOT impossible. Even if you're alone without friends, and not a lot of family, try getting out of the house more. If it's sunny, open the blinds or go outside. Do things that make you happy. Buy yourself that $5 mocha if you can. Just take it day by day and think about your babies. But also know, if you're overwhelmed with guilt from yelling at them, next month will be entirely different. They probably won't remember that mom was screaming her lungs out over something. Don't spend your time feeling guilty about it. Just think about what you can do to make it up for them. That's what I've done. And it helps. I know you guys will get through it too. I feel safe enough to say I MADE IT OUT OF THE POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION!!! It feels great.
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