Lost , confused , alone
Super long , sorry .
I don't want to be judged I just want to know I'm not alone please. Idk what to do anymore I feel so lost my relationship is litterly hell on earth. I want to be happy way is it so dam hard. Why is it so hard to just get up and leave if that's ALL I want to do I want to RUNN OUT ... I've been with my son's father for 3 years now our baby is 10 months. A few months in to my pregnancy it ALL CHANGE that sweet funny charming loving caring guy my SO use to be was all of a sudden gone . I only saw an angry abusive lying cheating drunk.... Every day it would only get worse he can't go more than a day MAYBE two without drinking without fighting or trying to lay a hand on me one way or another till this day it's all the same. He doesn't care if our son is around or not . I take forever to build up the courage to leave and than I'm stupid to come back when he swears he will get help and change and all the other BS he says. I try to see the good in him , I try to believe I can maybe help him be his old self. I miss the old him I miss him so much which is probably why it's so hard . My son loves him so much , that smile when he sees him just kills me. I feel so bad for my baby and I can't keep on letting him live in such a toxic environment. He doesn't give me not even a dollar for the baby I have to either force it out of him , or he will say " doesn't your fuck ass family have money why don't you ask them to take care of that kid that way you leave me for good " I just can't . I'm working part time and going to school online ... I don't depend on him I pay all my stuff myself because if I depend on him I'd be living on the street. My family hates him which they have all the right to and I'll never argue withe them about it. But I cant go to them for advice because really I just get the whole " your so young and full of life to be letting some asshole treat you that way , or even let him around the baby " and YESSSSS THEY ARE RIGHT . BUT I can't exactly express myself with them. And his side.... Let's just say it's like talking to a wall. I just need help . I need someone to guide me someone to understand me so I don't feel like I'm just trying to get out of this hell hole alone. I feel so bad for him all I wanted was to help him , help him be that amazing person he use to be to be an actual family .... Or maybe that amazing person he pretended to be I don't even know anymore. One thing that really concerns me is that EVERYTIME we argue he threatens me that if I leave him he will go to court and get custody of or son and to be honest idk if stupid but I'm TERRIFIED of the thought of my son EVER being alone with him .... And as stupid as you might think I am I swear that is a major reason why I don't leave .
My plan is to go back to my mom's where I have my own room and so does my son . Where my son is incredibly loved and cared for . I just need to get my head out of my ass and make the move and stop feeling bad for him it's not my fault he decided to ruin his life.
I needed to vent.