As our beautiful daughter turns 20 weeks this Saturday, we, as a family, are just beaten down.

We, as a family (my fiance, myself and my wonderfully sister that has been by our side the entire time), have been very much against "crying it out "method. We love this little girl to the moon and back, she never, ever slept right. Days we can deal with by letting her nap in the swing, buckled in. But nights, from day one, she has refused to sleep on her back.

Battling silent reflux and idiotic pediatricians that denied us a GI reference for two months. (And when we finally saw the GI, he took one look at her and said "can't u SMELL the milk smell? Can't u see the spit up and she hasn't been fed in an hour? Of course it's silent reflux. " turns out her esophagus was burnt from reflux . And the pediatrician refused to even think so).

Our daughter has been given zantac and it helped, but zantac makes babies arms and feet move more, so that created more problems, because she absolutely hates being constricted in a swaddle. We spent nearly 2 grand on EVERY SLEEP SACK, EVERY "MIRACLE " SWADDLE and nothing worked. The only way our daughter has been sleeping Is if u walk her to sleep in our arms and then put CAREFULLY in the boppy pillow and have your hand on her arms ALL night long. Otherwise, she moves the entire night, wakes up and wails. We have tried to put her in the crib and walk away after she has been fed, burped, changed, kissed, hugged. She just wails. She doesn't "fuss". I hate it when others tell u :" oh, she will fuss for some time, then fall asleep" no, our daughter just wails, not fuses. She wails for as long as she is let laying there until picked up. She starts to sweat even if left in dispers only, because of how bad she wails. If not picked up, she will do it for an hour non stop, be a puddle of sweat with eyes swollen and pass out for 5 MINUTES, then start from the top.

She only falls asleep if walked, bounced and shush ed at the same time for anywhere from 20-45 minutes, to only take a 20 minutes MAX nap, that's IF we manage to put her down in the swing, or bed without her going full blast yet again. It takes us most of the time over 30 minutes and serval attempts of putting down, just for a 20 min MAX nap...that's 5-7 times a day.

Everything was tried. From nasty grape water (can you feel the attitude growing? !, yes I'm at my wits end), from gas drops and every other crap they tell you. NOTHING HAS WORKED. she's healthy and when she's up and not tired, she's talking and smiling. But our lives have been a complete chaos. Time for myself? What time for myself? Ppd? Nope, just at my wits end.

And on top of it all, she's now going through sleep regression. Wonderful. She hasn't slept more than 2 hrs without eating at night EVER. Now she's up every 30 minutes.

I keep hearing "it will get better" or "try this" or "have u tried this" FUCK THE SHITTY ADVICES. THEY SUCK. Yes EVERYTHING HAS BEEN TRIED. "A car ride puts mine to sleep every time " .. yea?! Good for you! Mine wails the moment I put her in the car. For the entire ride. I'm so sick of advices and "it will get better". My fucking ass it will. When? When she's teething? When will it get better? It simply wont.

I love her with all my heart, I would never, ever EVER express my anger in front of her. That's why I'm here.

I'm exausted. I don't have the energy to play with her. I have a twisted vertebrae in my back and take medication for it, but I can't take it during the say because it makes me loopy and I need to be responsible adult when around her. So I sit and walk around with her all day, in pain. I eat while burning my mouth because I can't let her cry anymore.

Once again, not ppd. I've seen my obgyn twice and I've been told several times that I'm optimistic, happy, caring, loving and not have any ppd signs . I'm not depressed. I'm exausted and in pain. All of us are.

At our wits end.

No, baby sitter is not an option. Not when everyday another sitter hits a baby and they die from it.

No, day care is not an option.. not when every day a day care abuses a poor baby.

Guess the whole idea behind all this is, that after 4 months of trying to be the best mommy and daddy ever, we are beaten down. We are at the end of it all. And we will do the CIO method. Her wails will break my heart, but I can't do it anymore. My fiance works all day. Do does my sister. I'm alone all day, every day. Many have "offered" to help. .but "during the weekend". What the fuck does that do to me? Nothing. I have ALL THE SUPPORT IN THE WORLD during the weekend from my fiance. I need help 5 days a week. Not in the weekend.

I'm no longer able to pick her up and carry her 20-40 minutes, 7 times a day for her naps, while bending down about 100 times attempts to put her in her swing or on the bed, with a twisted vertebrae in my back.

My fiance has to be up all night just to hold her hands down so she sleeps. Then looks like death, as he showers and goes to work. He naps from 7 pm till 10 pm, then takes over again . Our lives are shut in every way. This precious little baby girl MUST be able to fall asleep for her every night on her own and SLEEP at night without someone having to literally have their hand on her , the entire night.

I have not cried yet, but I think once we start the CIO,I might just lose it.

I hate everyone's babies now, because they all have a pacifier in their mouths and smile the whole time in the car, in a store, at a restaurant. We can't go anywhere EVER because she sounds like someone is murdering her the entire time.

I thought we were the best parents in the world, but we are just failures, because we TRAINED her to live ON us and unless she's ON us, she wails. Fuck "fuses " she's not FUSSING. She WAILS as if someone is literally killing her. She's NOT in pain. It's NOT gas. There's NOTHING wrong with her. She just wants to be held ALL THE TIME, ALWAYS.

I despises others babies and how happy they ALWAYS are. Yes ALWAYS. I can't even go to take a shit because she wails. Non stop.

Yes, bouncers were tried, yes EVERYTHING was tried.

I can't operate like this for much longer. Exaustion and the horrible pain in my back are taking a toll on me.

It's NOT ppd. I eat, I shower, I dress myself, I play and laugh with our daughter when she's happy. I don't think any negative thoughts about myself or my family.

I'm exausted and in pain.

She needs to sleep, on her own.

I probably WILL have ppd from the CIO method because I hate seeing her cry like that. But we can't take it anymore. Every option has been tried and failed. CIO is last chance at sanity and rest.

I'm sorry for all of this.