Please read : WARNING it's very long :/

I have a story.. which I've never told.

I had a boyfriend. off and on for years. at this time we weren't "together" he wasn't the committed type. he recently joined the military and was going off for basic. we rekindled. had sex, I became pregnant. the whole thing was utterly insane. but I thought it would be great. with OR without him. he wouldn't have it though. he literally brain washed me into getting an abortion. after we had a big fight, he pretended like it was the best thing in the world. that we would even get married. then one day I go over and he tells me, "I either have to quit the army and not be able to provide for our family, or we give this up and try again when I come home" he said the army wouldn't let him start basic training if he was expecting. I told him no one had to know. that there was no way I'd get an abortion. it wasn't like it had to be documented. he then told me if I have the baby he'd wang nothing to do with me.. and that was fine by me. then goes to say once he comes back he'd fight for ALL custody. and that got me scared. he knows some powerful manipulating people. once he saw that didn't scare me.. he went to my soft spot.. then he goes on to say he wants to be there for all the appointments and started to make me feel horrible. then went on and said no matter we do we will get married. a month after I get an abortion. he leaves me 3 days after. i was VERY depressed. still am.. 2 1/2 moths after that I get a text saying he's gotten another girl pregnant. now currently he is at basic. with a baby on the way. I don't know what to do except scream in my head and feel like an idiot.

I'm old enough to know better. but you guys... love can make you do stupid shit. and I know I can't make what I did right. but there's not a day I don't regret it. I put the blame on myself not him.

I would just really appreciate a shoulder to lean on. he's happy and I'm here slowly dying about what I've done.