How to Control (confront?) an Overbearing Mother. Long post but advice most needed please.

Question

I'm expecting and due Oct 3rd. My mother and I have unfortunately a terrible relationship. Sigh. It stems from very strict parenting, lots of restrictions as a child; adult years, mother was (still is) verbally abusive, condescending, and just all around hard to deal with.

Anyway, she told me that she plans on flying to OR (she lives out of state) and staying for an ENTIRE month when the baby arrives!!!! The idea of her being there that long terrifies me to no end. I mean by the end of a convo with her I feel about 4in tall. So many of our convos are very forced talks about "how's the weather?" Smh.

Besides the relationship strains between her and I, there's other problems with her staying on that long. She hates my SO (told me so to my face), so clearly he's not happy with this and from a practical standpoint I live in a studio apartment! My mother says she intends to stay with us because she doesn't feel she should have to pay for her own hotel because "she's family." Brother.

Anyway, there are numerous reasons why I don't want her staying for that long when the baby arrives. I attempted to explain all my reasons as diplomatically possible, but she interrupted me and accused me of being a disrespectful child who "shouldn't talk to her mother that way."  I'm  sad to say I'm 30 years old and I still get talked to this way by mother. Sigh. Deeper issues present, but current issue is her inviting herself to a monthlong stay not solicited by my SO or I.

Need advice on how to approach her again?? I was thinking of writing her a letter, but would that be insensitive? So conflicted! I don't want to be  this "disrespectful child" she accuses me of, but I just can't deal with the newness of baby plus the anxiety attacks she prompts (full blown panic attacks that get me hyperventilating) -- she just can't stay! SO says to change my cell number and literally remove her from the equation, but as bad as things are with my mom I'm not sure I could go to that extreme.

Gosh, how do you lay down boundaries as an adult child with your parent without crossing some arbitrary line that makes one a bad child?

Answer

This might sound silly, but how about writing a letter to her, but rather than sending it, read it to her down the phone. That way you can get all your thoughts and feelings out and expressed, and if she interrupts you, you can just resume after she did. It might make you less flustered. Then afterwards, she might be able to talk to you about things a bit more compassionately. Good luck x

Answer

Tell her flat out no! Tell her I'm not being disrespectful.  I just need time for me and my SO to learn how to be parents. Tell her it's too small here and she needs to get a hotel room. Mom I'm an adult and I feel like you staying here is in direct violation of my privacy....seeing it's only a studio apartment!  And if she doesn't like what u have to say ...tell her it's the only way she is gonna be involved and if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to be involved at all. Time to put your big girl panties on and step up....ur gonna be someone else's mom...honey! Lay the dang law down and set boundries....and if she is not going to respect your SO...then she shouldn't be around anyways. ..its his kid not hers! You laid down with him to have a baby not him!

Answer

My mother is like this, I cut yer off completely. Sounds like she is a narcissist, mine is. I went to a therapist (because moms like thus make you feel like You are the crazy one) he advised me to cut all contact, and not let her see my daughter. I have to tell you, it was the best decision I ever made, for both of us. My daughter has grown and matured in ways I never  knew were possible, she doesn't even ask about her nana, its like she knew she was evil. I know she knew my mother was abusive to me. She watched it. I went no contact 8 months ago, and while she has tried many times to attack me (hacked my email and deleted the account, somehow transfered my phone to her name and shut the account down) I just took care of things on my end, and never contacted her. It's stopped for now, I know shell start again, but you have to be strong. You are an adult, you set the boundaries for you and your children. Set them, tell her, and stick by them.

Answer

Just another thought - you've tried being diplomatic, you've tried politeness, and it's getting you nowhere. This is because she's only interested in controlling you, and she doesn't give a fuck about being nice about it, hence the guilt trip bollocks about you being a 'disrespectful child'.

Like, what the hell about her being a disrespectful mother? Fuck everything about that. Go nuclear and drop-kick her out of your life until she realizes you're not going to put up with her shit. She wants to exert control over you - make it clear that YOU have control, and if she crosses the line, she'll lose access to you and your family.

Never put up with shit from your family that you wouldn't put up with from a total stranger. Being kin to you doesn't excuse shitty behaviour.

Answer

Just grow up!!!! Don't try to be a 'nice, silly child' from your mother. Grow up, be a strong woman for your child and tell her that SHE is disrespectful
​against you! If she wants to stay that long - give her some adresses of Hotels or Motels. There IS NO ROOM in your appartement for guests. Just stay to your opinion REGARDLESS what your mother is telling/yelling at you! Your SO's idea about changing cell numer isn't that bad.... Maybe than your mother gets that IF he wants to see her grandchild she HAS to be respectful to BOTH of parents of her grandchild! You can't be just 'nice and lovely' to your impertinent mother - she won't get it. Have a talk - or better : write a letter and tell her that there is NO way to negotiate with you about the conditions! Sign BOTH of you the letter! If she doesn't get it: take the hard way and change your cellphone number without telling her...

Answer

On order to stand up you're going to need to learn not to let what she says affect you. She WILL call you disrespectful, you have to find a way to stand your ground and continue to say no to her without her words bothering you. Or at least while you are on the phone. Then when she knows your stance you can hang up, cry and panic where she doesn't know she did it to you. Good luck.

Answer

Letter or email, your choice:

"Mom, I am sick of your shit and if it takes me being disrespectful to get this through to you, then so be it.

You are not coming out to stay with me and SO for a month when the baby is born. You treat me horribly, you hate SO, and I cannot put up with that anymore. You are not welcome until you fucking well learn some manners and treat me like a grown woman. I can and WILL turn you away if you show up, and I will call the cops if you don't leave me alone.

If you can't respect my wishes, then stop calling me. I do not need someone as toxic as you are in my life.

And no, you can't see the baby. If you think I'm going to let someone who treats me like shit be around my child, you're hilariously mistaken.

The ball's in your court. Either you treat me with respect, or you don't have a daughter or a granchild. Your choice.

Regards

Me."

And then you go no-contact for, say, a week. Don't be afraid to cut her out of your life until she wises up. She's your mother but she's not essential, especially if she's doing nothing but causing you pain - and you need to show her that. She'll try to control you forever otherwise.

Answer

I'm sorry but if my mother was like that she would have been out of my life a long time ago. You are not a child. Not a baby anymore she should not be creating more problems. If you love your life, kid and respect your other half point out to her what you want and if she does not agree kicker to the curb. Xx

Answer

I agree with the letter, and read it to her on the phone.  Maybe tell her you would be happy to see her, she can visit for one week, maybe set a date two weeks after baby has arrived (gives you some recovery time). Tell her she will simply have to get a hotel and recommend a couple for her with phone numbers.  Be insistent but polite.  You do not have to apologize for these, and dont let her guilt you.  I guess if you cant even handle her for a week, then you will just have to say no. But if you can at all put up with it, I would.  And when she is visiting for the week insist she remain plesant,  tell her politely but firmly no rude comments to you or your SO, or she will be asked to leave.

Answer

I struggle with some of the same issues with my mom. Even though I'm 28 she still tries to control my finance, how I keep house, dictate things in my marriage, etc. I understand where you're coming from 110%. I think that writing a letter might be a good idea. Talking on the phone she may not listen, cut you off, or talk over you. The letter she can read and hear all you want to say. A letter also gives you time to formulate your thoughts and get everything out without interruption. I would suggest after the letter talking on the phone to lay some boundaries. If she is anythingr like my mom, she would swoop in and take over how I parent so I wouldn't want my mom there right away. Maybe suggest she come a couple weeks after the baby arrives. That gives you and your SO a chance to develop your own routine and style. Know that you don't have to appologize for laying down boundaries. As an adult you have that right and it isn't disrespectful if you do it in a respectful manner. You're not alone. I wish you the best of luck! 😊

How to Control (confront?) an Overbearing Mother. Long post but advice most needed please.

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