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20weeks and feeling like I'm the worst

20 weeks pregnant and feelinf the worst person in the world. I feel like I ended my life before started.

I'm 24yrs, married, with a bachelor, no job in my area of study, but in the National Guard, and pregnant.

I don't know if this depression and anxiety it's because I'm pregnant or I have been holding it since so much before, but I feel like my life ended because I'm pregnant. I'm not sure if I still love my husband the way I did the day we dated, I don't know if I want to stay in this marriage. My husband is good, but not great, I still have to tell him to not stay in his comfort zone and look for better things, mostly for his success as a professional and person, then for his family. But who I'm fooling, I didn't support me the way I support the others. I hate myself for that, because if I see potential in others, why I don't see it in myself?

I have a bachelor. I work off my ass for my degree and I want to have my master but at the same time I want to be more than M-day soldier. I told myself sometimes tha I can do better, I can be whatever I want if I work hard, then I see myself doing nothing. Its not like I stay with my hand crossed, I asked for advice and more but at the end I feel that I'm still in the same place I ended when I left for my training. Here is when I regret with all my heart and soul not going active. I won't deny my reasons were different when I enlisted, but God, I need to do something to change it.

Now being pregnant was good at the beginning but I started to realize that I'm really far from where I want to be. I don't have my own home or a permanent job as I wish, meaning that drilling once a month it's not enough for me, I want to do more, I feel like I'm wasting my time. But back to being pregnant, I feel like being pregnant is holding me in so many aspects. Like to get a job in the area I like because it's physically demanding and if I want to study I want to study something that I like not whatever appears. I can't go active because I'm pregnant. I can't do so many stuff that I wish and every single day it makes me feel frustrated.

I really wish I don't feel like this. And PS. Please, don't judge me. I'm not writing because I wanted to be judged. I'm already doing it all the time.

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