I didn't feel that instant love

I didn't bond with my child right away

When my son was born I wasn't overwhelmed by love like everyone talks about. I'd heard so much about seeing your child for the first time and feeling this unimaginable love for them instantly, sadly that wasn't my case. 

I wanted to share my experience so that other moms that felt like I did know it's ok. 

I absolutely loved being pregnant. I'd never felt so alive in my life. It brought me closer to my husband and I saw the world through rose colored glasses. 

I was induced using the balloons and pitocin, 10 hours later my water broke on its own and labor progressed quickly. I was excited and scared. More than anything I was excited to meet my son. A few hours later things took a turn. I stoped dilating at 4cm and my son was in distress. Every time I had a contraction his heart rate would plummet. After three contractions I was rushed to the OR for an emergency c section. This is where the panic set in. I am very calm by nature and don't express my feelings well so I just panicked ok the inside while I smiled for my husband and my mom. I didn't want them to know how scared I was. 

My husband was given some disposable scrubs and told to wait in another room until he was allowed in to the OR. I was wheeled into the OR and in a matter of seconds the room filled with what seemed like at least a dozen doctors and nurses all working very quickly. The pace they were moving at scared me even more. I couldn't help but think this must be really bad. They put a strong cocktail of drugs in the epidural and before you know it I could feel nothing. The drugs were so strong I had to fight falling asleep and they had to remind me to breathe several times. I felt alone and scared and I started to tear up. 

Around this time my husband walked in and I felt a little bit better. I pulled it together to be strong in front of him. I knew if he knew how scared I was he would loose it and I needed him to be calm. 

I hadn't even realized they had cut me open and before I knew it they were holding up my son over the blue curtain. He was ok. My first thought was, "OMG look at all of that blonde hair" I was expecting a bald baby and I am a dark brown brunette so I thought my genes would override my husbands platinum blonde genes. Guess not. 

My husband walked over to the other side of the operating room to cut the cord and meet our son. I was so relieved when I finally heard his cry. My husband brought him over to me and held him to my face, this is the part where I was expecting to feel this overwhelming love beyond explanation. I didn't. I wanted to. I waited for it. It didn't happen. I looked at him and thought "I don't know you. Is it okay if I kiss you?" I was beyond relieved that he was ok but I didn't feel that instant bond. I initially blamed it on the drugs and assumed I would feel it a few hours later once they had worn off. Nope. By the time we left the hospital four days later I still felt like a stranger to him. 

My son is now 16 weeks old. I'm not sure when it happened but we finally bonded. I finally feel that unimaginable love. It's just for me it took time. I wasn't hit with it all at once. I felt confused and embarrassed and i didn't tell anyone about this, I still haven't. I felt some pressure to have this intense experience as I step into motherhood and I didn't. I have even speculated if everyone else is just lying and they think that is what they are supposed to say. I know they aren't, just because it didn't happen to me doesn't mean it doesn't happen for others. 

My message is it's ok if you are scared. It's ok if you haven't bonded with your child the way you thought you would. In my experience it got better. And now i can finally relate to this intense love. But if your a new mom and you don't, it doesn't mean you won't.