I'm not accepting it.

I'm over the moon but I've also had two miscarriages in 2016. I feel like I can't let myself be happy. 

Every time I'm in the loo I'm checking for spotting, I'm paranoid because morning sickness hasn't kicked in with my son it was horrific but with the miscarriages I never really had it. My midwife is a joke tbh. I have no time for her what so ever and I won't even see her until I'm 12weeks. I miscarriaged both at 6weeks 1st was missed until 11weeks and 2nd was over before I could be happy I was preganant. I feel like I'm being ungrateful because I just don't want to accept it because if I do it'll hurt even more?  Right now I feel a little lost 😢