Prior to this post, few people know what happened 4 years ago today, when our lives were changed forever. We learned our baby boy, who'd lived in my belly for 4 months, had died a day or two prior, for no medical reason. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him, & long to hold him. Due to the silent grief that is forced upon people who endure pregnancy loss, I am hoping that using a public forum to verbalize my grief will help me in my road to healing, along with anyone else who is silently suffering . I lost so many things in a moment, & I've learned through connecting with others who have experienced pregnancy loss that they have also lost at least one of the following things. I lost friends & close family members who had carried their own babies at the same time I carried mine, because I could not support them in their journey to motherhood. I lost people who did not know what to say to me, so said nothing, making me not want to associate because it hurt so much to miss someone that no one else acknowledged even existed. I lost people who wanted to be there for me, because I was also trying to believe that since my baby was with me for such a short time, I shouldn't really be sad for that long, or experience this word "grief" I now understand. I lost so much April 9th, 2013, but in Castiel being neverborn, I am slowly coming to terms with his passing & understanding how his existence, however short, changed me forever. For everything I lost, he gave me so so much.

Anyone who resides in the 1 in 4 statistic of pregnancy loss knows it never goes away, & milestones are ever present- they start with the pregnant person alongside you as you watch their belly grow while yours shrinks. This September I will be watching the students experience their first day of school, knowing that my little boy should be there too- the milestones will never stop for us. For those of you who have a friend or a family member who have experienced pregnancy loss, know that they do want to talk about it when they return to their daily routines. But if you don't, or don't know how, when it happens, simply say, "I'm sorry for your loss." 

Societal acknowledgement of grief and loss is how we know how to heal, which is why funerals and memorials are so important when our loved ones leave us. Having our friends and family to console us during our time of grief is essential to healing. Castiel was not given a death certificate because medically, he wasn't considered a person. But not everyone has the mind of a doctor. I know he was a person because I am with him during each of his milestones, even if they only happen in my heart and my dreams.

I believe that Castiel's time in my life, however short, has changed me for the better. He taught me to understand what connection to others means & it's vital importance in life. Castiel taught me how to be there for someone & how to accept help when I need it. Our small baby taught me more than anyone else here on earth. Even though I'd prefer not to have learned these things and had him here with me instead, I am grateful for his gifts, and his life, however too short.

In loving memory of our angel, Castiel, neverborn, April 9th, 2013.