This is going to sound bad. But, my mother has stage 4 lung cancer. I have not talked to her in 5 months.

She was extremely abusive all of my childhood and into my adulthood. Mentally (threatening to send me back to my rapist if I didn't do a chore correctly,) emotionally (trying to kill herself in front of me and then making me hug her to show I was sorry,) and physically (bashing my head into a toilet and trying to drown me in it, because some blue cleaner was stuck under the rim). There are many other things she has done but these are off the top of my head and that I can think of the most calmly.

Well, I had lived with her, too scared to leave, giving her $650 every 2 weeks for rent, until I was 22 and moved in with my long time boyfriend. She did everything to stop this, (telling me he's cheating, threatening to get me fired, threatening him, calling service companies to tell them I am mentally retarded and shouldn't be allowed to turn services on, such as gas and electricity), but anyways, I moved out and hadn't spoke to her for 3 years.

Then she said she had cancer. I talked to her for 3 months (with SO present, or on phone only), until my father got fed up and said she didn't have cancer and she had no proof she did. Didn't speak to her for another year.

Then, karma bit her and suddenly she has stage 4 lung cancer. I start talking to her again. Go over once a month, with SO, never stay more than an hour. She out lasts the time line (18 months, it's currently been 3 and a half years) she was given, doesn't deteriorate at all, I start doubting it, go with and talk to her doctors. They confirm.

I get pregnant! Best thing ever! We are estatic! I know she won't be, we tell her a week before Halloween. As soon as we tell her, she asks, "Do you want to play on the stairs?" Asking if she can force an abortion. After I naturally had 4 miscarriages due to my thyroid.

We stop going over entirely for my saftey, I continue talking to her for 2 more months, my 5th month of pregnancy.

She starts acting irrationally, telling me that when the baby comes, she's going to take it and raise it right. That she doesn't want him to be weak because I don't agree with her views. That she's going to call cps because I'm abusing him in my womb. That she wished she had started more arguments to cause a miscarriage.

I stopped talking to her. Regardless of her illness.

I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant. I have a will written, stating my son will not go to her if I were to pass, (she has made death threats to make me worry enough to make a will), but.... I feel I am too soft.

As I get close I think, "this is her only grandchild, and she is dying. Should she at least meet him?"

My OH doesn't want her in his life at all. He doesn't want her even brought up, as far as he wants our children to know, I was an orphan. (My father sold me for sex from 4-11, so he's not any better).

But I can't help but feel guilty I'm denying her meeting her only grandchild. Am I horrible to do so?