The Taboo of MC
I have had 4 MC now, and have had a lot of time to think about and ponder why it's something that is not part of our general lexicon the way other tragedies are. When we lose someone in our lives, people console us with condolences. When we have someone close to us who is ill, people ask how we are handling it and if we are ok. If we lose a job, people ask us how the job hunting is going and offer suggestions to find another. A job is in no way equal to a life, and still, there is a known consolation between us humans that happens when the loss of a job occurs.
The thing of it is, with my MCs, I lost somebody. My first was my son, my boy who would have the kindness of his father and artistic flare from his mother. The second and third were my daughters who took after my mother in law, a kind selfless woman who was taken by cancer Suddenly. My last was another son, one who would have been like his older brother, but more meek and quiet.
I never found out the genders of my babies- the answers are in OR reports with my drs. The point is that to me, even for a short time, I shared my life with my children, and I mourn those lives each and every day.
I believe my eternal mourning is partly to blame from the taboo. I lost my first when I was 4 months pregnant, and I felt like that baby was with me my whole life. When they were gone (and gone so unceremoniously via d&e), I had nothing- nobody else to acknowledge with me that someone had died, and I missed them ever so much. I had, "you'll get pregnant again", and "good thing you were only 4 months", but never ever, " I'm so sorry for your loss".
And I suppose it's because nobody else ever pictures their lives with my child in it that they do not feel that I have suffered such an immense loss.
It is because this that I feel partly that I am still grieving all of my losses. The taboo nature surrounding all miscarriages makes it more difficult for us to heal, because people who have never been through one have no idea how to console us, or that we may need consolation at all.
In order to heal, we need to talk about it with others. But MC is a whisper under people's breaths, a reason for awkwardness between the haves and the have nots.
I don't know what I can change, but someone posted in this group that they made a MC announcement on Facebook. This is certainly a step in the right direction.
But at this point, all I can offer each of the grieving mothers here is my deepest condolences for all of your losses. We are all grieving right now, no matter what anyone may say.
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