Is it bad that I only take marriage advice from people married for a lifetime?

Question

I just don't want bad advice.  I only seek out marriage advice from happily married couples of 20+ years.  I mean people get married and divorce 5 to 10 years later.  I'd rather have advice from people who have made it.  If they have been married literally a lifetime that's even better. I just don't want advice from people who obviously couldn't stay in a marriage or who just don't have enough experience.    Opinions?

Answer

20+ years is usually a good sign but not always.  My parents have been together for over 30 and all i have learned from them is what not to do lol (but i suppose that's why you said happily married right?)

I think it may be better if advice comes from couples who have a good marriage, regardless of how long.  If you view someone's relationship is good, you like what they have, then i don't see anything wrong with getting advice from them.

I think restricting to 20+ yrs might miss out on some factors too - like generational gaps - in that time frame a lot can be different in the world, ie. Technology and other demands.  I think we can always learn from other couples - both what to do and what not to do :) and then decide what will work for us.

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I don't think the time frame matters. It's not about how long they've been married, it's about how they treat one another and how strong of a couple they are.
For example, I knew a couple who was married for 30 years, and they ended up having major problems and infidelity in the marriage later on and divorced. I also know a couple who's been married only 3 years and they're one of the strongest couples I know, and they have a lot of wisdom and advice I could benefit from.

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It depends. Someone who's recently married might have experienced something different than someone married for 20yrs and the younger couple might actually have really good experience. Also, if they've gone through problems (which can happen in the first few months of marriage) and survived those issues then they can probably offer really good insight as well. And even those with failed marriages will know what went wrong- maybe they can't say what works but they'll certainly know what can go wrong and what didn't work. Different people have different experiences. So I don't think a young couple necessarily has bad advice.

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Marriage couples can give advice they don't need to be together 20 years that's ridiculous, that's like saying a parent will only seek advice off parents with grown up kids

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It's not bad but I would ask people of all different backgrounds. I would ask a single person, then a newly married couple, then maybe a divorced couple, and then a lifetime couple. Because the fact is, someone who has been married for a lifetime will tell you to stick it out but your issues might be a lot more similar to those who just got divorced. A lifetime couple might even tell you to work through cheating. But a lot of people will tell you to leave. I don't think that marriage is meant for life if your partner disrespects you. There has to be effort from both sides otherwise you will sacrifice yourself and your happiness. A lot of people do this all because they want to fulfill their commitment but the fact is that if you're not happy, you are completely wasting your time. Relationships aren't meant to feel like work all the time. And my parents being together actually taught me that they SHOULDNT stay together because them fighting 24/7 shows me a false idea of love than if they were to just drop it and move on.

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I'm kinda the same. My parents and my uncles and aunts have been married 40 years this year (all three couples). My husband's uncles and aunts have been married 30-40 yrs. When they give us tidbits and advise we take it. I don't take advise from people who are angry or bitter in their relationships.

I can sink my ship myself if I wanted. Marriage is work so I'll take advise from the old timers.

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Someone being married that long doesn't mean they have a great marriage. For me it depends on the couple.

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Sometimes people who have been divorced have good advice about marriage. Just because someone got divorced doesn't mean they didn't learn a thing or two while married. The amount of years together have nothing to do with what you do and do not learn while married. Every situation is different for everyone. But don't count someone out just because they had marriage that ended in divorce, because you never know the reason behind that divorced. I was married to my 1st husband for 5 months. Found out he was cheating on me with a HUGE amount of other women, not to mention the abuse, physical and mental, I went through, and the pill addiction he lead me to by slipping pills in my food and drinks. But if I hadn't gotten divorced I wouldnt be sober, and I would still be stuck in that situation. So again, divorce doesn't always mean someone doesn't have any good advice.

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I think your thinking is off unless your goal for marriage is to just be married as long as possible. Time is a poor indicator to me of what a good marriage looks like. If I were you I'd seek advice from people who embody similar relationship standards and have dealt with similar issues you might expect or have in your own relationship. I personally know people who are married and probably should have gotten divorced a long time ago, they stay together but neither of them are happy and they don't seem to love and respect each other. Then I know people who have been together a long time premarriage and have only been married a short time comparatively, but have a wonderful relationship based on genuine respect and love.

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I got advice from people who aren't married too. There a reason they haven't "settled down with the right man" yet. And I'm my eyes it's because they have the perfect marriage in mind.