I'm so ashamed in myself..

I want to start out by saying I'm honestly confused by my way of thinking. I'm sat here on my "significant others" bed as I type this to let my feelings out since he left for work. I'm tired of how he treats me. When we're together it's great but when I go back home he gets too controlling, angered quick, and demanding when I don't respond on his time. He sent me 18 texts threatened to delete my number. We're long distant so this can be a little tricky. I feel like I'm putting myself in a situation where I can leave but in fear he'd try to find me and he'd never stop. He's the one who took my virginity almost a month ago. I'll also mention he lied about his age and other shit. 30, hm no he's 40. He has five kids. He never told me his last name, luckily he did. Idk what we have in common? Obviously a 40yr old doesn't have anything in common with a 20yr old. I'm also ashamed of him giving me $20 because I'm unemployed and I need it and ashamed we had sex last night and this morning. I'll be honest, I did enjoy it yet the guilt is creeping in. Which is why I'm typing this. I need help. Or this is gonna lead to something worse. Idk what to do.. Also, please no judgment. I feel like I'm hoeing around even though this guy is my first sexual partner. I'm just lost.