Is this enough to end a long term relationship?

Question

Okay so I have been with my boyfriend 5 yrs.  and have two kids together. Which is what makes this so hard. When we first got together we f***ed like bunnies multiple times a day all over the place (sorry if it's tmi) but then one day I found porn on his phone. I felt very hurt it's not like we weren't having sex and in many different ways. But I think the thing that hurt me the most was the girls in the porn he watches are like the complete opposite of me. We had a huge fight over it. But then we move past it and then I later find messages on his Facebook between him and another girl. I packed my bags and was gonna leave but then he deleted his Facebook and got rid of his phone so I thought maybe he is serious. So we fixed things and shortly after I got pregnant with my first daughter. And then I found the porn again. And again I was very hurt because we already had a fight over it and then the Facebook thing once again a huge fight but I did leave for a week to show I was serious and when I came back it seemed things had really changed and were really great. We shared everything knew each other's passwords. Had another child and things were still good. But now I found the porn again. And it seems like he only does what he needs to make me feel comfortable and then he slips again. It's very hurtful to me and I'm not okay with it and I feel if he was really committed to me he would gives this up. It's not like I'm asking him to completely change who he is as a person. 
I know people have their own feelings regarding porn and some women think it's okay. But I don't. I feel if you are in a committed monogamous relationship that means that one person only. 
So all that being said what's your opinion?? Should I leave if I feel so strongly about this? 
Or am I'm being irrational?? I don't what to tear my family apart he is a great dad but I can't help that guy punching heart crushing if feeling I get when I find it on his phone. tia

Answer

Talking to other women is wrong but porn, in my opinion, is okay. The fact the girls he watches look nothing like you is probably a good thing. He is with you because he love you and finds you attractive. He probably watches these girls for what they do, not what they look like. Are you okay with masturbation in general? If so, then porn is just a way of getting there for a lot of men. Some men aren't great at just using their imagination.

You say you are not trying to change him but by making him stop watching porn (something I'm sure he was doing long before you came along) you are trying to change him.

Clearly porn is something he likes to do and you constantly creating tension and arguing about it is likely to push him a away. You feel hurt that he hides it, but he hides it because you have an irrational idea that it constitutes cheating.

There are clearly a lot of things you need to talk through but compromising on the porn is something I think you should seriously consider.

Answer

I feel like you could find a compromise somewhere with the porn thing. Have a dialog about why he does it and hides it. However if the porn is what is making him talk to these other women then I agree t needs to stop. In general with or without the porn the Facebook messaging needs to stop. I wish you luck for you and those precious children and I totally get wanting to keep the family together but so far it sounds like the only one vested is you. If he is a good dad but terrible partner now, maybe just coparenting and you moving on is in order.

Answer

You should leave. He obviously doesn't respect your feelings. He also knows you'll stay even if he watches it so maybe you just gotta leave him to show that it's that hurtful to you.

Answer

It seems obvious he's not willing to stop with the porn, you need to decide if you can live with that and the Facebook messaging.  If not, you're better off leaving because he's proven he's not willing to quit.

Answer

You need to make a change on your part if you want him around which sounds like it will need hard for you, but here it is. The porn if something you'll have to learn to accept. He clearly is not going to give it up for good. I honestly look at it as a self help aid and nothing more...I don't like the differences between me and what my hubby looks up occasionally but it's so much better that than cheating!

As for the messages with other women, he's got to knock that crap out. That's the part that worries me about his behaviour as it shows a lack of respect for you and your relationship.

But you can't exist him to cowtow to your demands without giving him some room to breathe too. Mutual change is there only way this looks like it goes forward. If you can't give him that, then let him move on and try to bed a good coparent.

Answer

I don't like it when my partner watches porn but I get it. I occasionally do too. And if I'm not in the mood I'm happy he's watching silly videos rather than actually contacting a real girl. I do get jealous though, ignorance is bliss. I don't go through his internet history. I pretty much just don't want to know. He caught me once and I think we have a don't ask don't tell mutual understanding. It's really just a visual way to get the job done quick. He doesn't care about those girls or even want them! He loves you. Unless he is video chatting or sexting I think you should ask for discretion.

Is this enough to end a long term relationship?

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