I've caught my self searching for something I wish could be but it's not

Yesterday I searched for ways to announce gender. Today I was customing a balloon as  if that was the way I'd announce but I caught my self and closed the page. It's been 3 years. 3 long years waiting and waiting. I feel like I'm getting depressed. I work at an office and I have a lot of quiet time to think to my self. I feel like I'm ready to give up. And I think it's causing my periods to be even lighter than they were before.