This is the first time ill be talking about this..

But I have a fiancé.. A couple years back we were having a rough time and we broke up.. He was seeing someone else after and I was starting to talk and flirt with other guys as well. Well.. One day one of my ex bfs hit me up and we agreed to hang out. Well.. I was NOT planning on having sex with him. I just wanted his company.

As the night goes on he talked me into spending the night with him and I agreed and made it clear not to try anything with me considering we would be sleeping in the same bed.

Well. That didn't happen.

He tried and tried and was very persistent. No after no.. He tried for what seemed like 2 hours. Finally he became stronger and was basically forcing me. Ill admit I was turned on because of what he was doing... But I did not want sex. But I was "wet" so he called me a liar and kept going. I didn't cry or scream or try to fight him or hurt him.. I did resist the ENTIRE time. I didn't want it. I felt disgusting the whole time...

A month later I got back with my now fiancé.

Ever since we've gotten back together we have had a sex issue. Mainly me.

We talked and both told each other about what we did when we were broken up.

Except I lied. I told him I did nothing. When really. This happened.

But its been 2 years and I hate having sex. Like I cannot get turned on and when he "playfully" forces me against the wall or play fights me and kisses me and shows affection at the same time I have to tell him im just claustrophobic so he will stop. Its causing a rivet. He thinks im cheating sometimes because I don't want sex.

Up until a few days ago.. I never knew why I didn't want sex. Now I am sure its because of that incident with my ex.

Now im stuck. I lied to my now fiancé. I did do something while we broke up. I was raped. I didn't want to tell him because im afraid he will do one of multiple possibilities

Like go to the police? Call my ex bf out (I don't want anyone else to know) im not even sure if the other guy realizes he raped me.

Or get mad at me because I decided to hang out with him in the first place.

I haven't told him and don't want to. But I don't know how to want sex again. I love him with all my heart and want to give him what he wants. He has been very patient and since then we have had a baby and had sex a very small amount. Im surprised I even got pregnant.

I don't really know what im asking. Maybe I just need to talk about it. Because I haven't.

Am I going to be like this forever? Am I always going to look at sex this way from now on? Why did he do that to me. It ripped away everything I had going for me in the bedroom. Now I can't undress in front of my own fiancé because im scared it'll turn him on and I don't want sex.