What I wish I had the balls to say
I'm angry because in 3 months, you've gotten me to like you, you've taken me on dates, you've gotten me to open up to you, you've made me laugh until I couldn't breathe, you seemed to understand, you've laid there, eyes stuck to mine, and told me how beautiful I was, you looked at me in a way from across the room that made my stomach hurt, in a good way. Every time you touched me, I got nervous, you made me think of you all the time. And then one day, it stopped. No event caused it, no fight , nothing. It was just over. We didn't even get to where we both said we wanted to be. You just became distant, no closure, nothing. I feel taken advantage of. My feelings are hurt, but I won't show it. I miss you. And that makes me angry.
I'm impressed. Because the way you opened up to me, all the things you've said, and promised, and assured me of, were empty. None of it meant anything. None of it led to anything. And it would seem to take a lot of effort, time, and talent, to mess with a person so smoothly, to where they question nothing.
I'm happy. I'm happy that this, whatever it was, happened. Because even though, now, when we see each other, it feels awkward, and even small talk seems difficult, I've had some of the best times with you. I still think of our first kiss, and I smile. How long I wanted it and how perfect it was when it happened. The way it made my heart skip. I think about our inside jokes, our adventures, our heart to heart talks on the couch. Everything we did together I think about and even though I'm angry, I smile. Because those were moments that made me happy and I would never change a thing. So even after it all went wrong somehow, thank you. You were a chapter of my book that's closed now, but it was one of my favorites to read.
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