Alone

Trying to conceive a baby - and failing - is exhausting mentally and physically. The tests, the waiting...even the sex (or the procedures) get overwhelming very very quickly. But for me, the worst part was that I always felt so very alone.

Like no one understood. There was no one I could talk to. My husband, yes. But he did not want to keep talking about things he could not fix. For him, it was all about the move forward. What’s next? What do we try now? Whereas I just wanted to stay and dwell in my misery.

My sister, as always, was incredible supportive. But as single 20 something, there was only so much that she could relate to.

My parents knew – but my unhappiness was perhaps an even bigger burden on them than it was on me. So for the sake of letting my mom sleep through the night, I kept my confessions to a minimum.

Feeling alone: That was the most crushing, isolating part of this whole journey. Kind of like the world is moving at its regular pace, but I am  standing still and there is a black fog surrounding me. Things that I used to love talking about, engage in, become inconsequential.

And even my closest friends could not reach me beyond the fog. In fact, their enthusiasm, happiness, carefree nature started to really annoy me. And I bristled at suggestions that you “look tired” or “look sad” and that “maybe, you need a vacation?” It was not their fault. For some cultural reasons, TTCing is a very isolating journey. 

So, do you ever feel alone? What are your coping mechanisms? What do you do re-engage in the world?