I would've been 3 months pregnant on Mothers Day. I finally announced to social media that I was expecting because what better day to announce you're going to be a mother than to announce it on Mothers Day. I had been confident enough, excited. Little did I know that was going to be taken away from me within a matter of hours. 

That night, I was watching tv and went to the bathroom only to find myself bleeding. I panicked even though there wasn't any pain. I began to wipe myself over and over again hoping it would stop, and it did. I called the nurse on call, and she advised to just relax and schedule an appointment in the morning. That it'd be pointless to go to the hospital if they'd leave me there for hours. The next morning I went to the clinic, and the doctor walked in and excitedly told me I was already 3 months and that she wanted us to hear the heartbeat! I told her what happened the night before, and she didn't seem concerned. As she was looking for the heartbeat through the fetal doppler, she had this confused look on her face. I knew, she couldn't find it. I didn't let my panic show, I was determined maybe she wasn't looking in the right place. She then said she was going to send me in for an ultrasound just to see if everything was okay - I also didn't panic. I figured another ultrasound, another chance to see my baby. I went to the hospital and waited an hour and a half with the fullest bladder I've ever had. I asked the nurse if I could use the bathroom, and she suggested I just wait it out. To make it easier to see the baby. When being called by the ultrasound technician, she wouldn't let my grandmother go into the room with me. I figured that was odd in itself, but I didn't pay attention to it. The lady set me up, and selfishly kept the screen close to her. She didn't let me see any part of it. Through the reflection of her glasses I saw my baby, but to my confusion it was the same size that we saw it last time at 9 weeks. I looked at her face to see if she'd give off any indication anything was wrong. I then decided to ask if everything was okay and she quickly said "I'm still looking." So I stayed quiet. 

She gave a frustrated sigh and said "Your bladder is too full, it's making it hard to see things. Go empty it out and I'll do a transvaginal ultrasound." So I quickly got up, walked out of the room and gave my grandmother a smile when she saw me. I didn't want to give off the fact I knew something was wrong. She didn't let me see my baby. I quickly used the restroom and got ready for the other ultrasound. She still kept the screen close to her and stayed quiet. She then took the stick out and told me to get dressed. I asked again, "Is everything okay?" She didn't look at me and said that she needed to "consult" my doctor and that she'd call me back into the room. I walked out and sat by my grandmother, already feeling my throat swell and my eyes tearing up. I told my grandma that something HAD to be wrong, and that they wouldn't let me see the baby. She told me I should've told them to let me see and that if anything- to leave it all in gods hands. The lady called us in and told me my doctor was on the phone, I dreaded picking it up. She told me my baby stopped developing 3 weeks ago and that it had essentially died. That my body was experiencing a missed miscarriage. I still have yet to pass it and I'm so hurt and angry. I wont be able to see or hold or have my November blessing.....