Miscarried 11- 23- 15 thanksgiving

Felt like I had to just move on, so I did. My SO grieved and almost punched a few co workers in his path. Me I went back to work Monday. I was a Nanny and felt the baby I cared for could help me get over it. But now as i lay here at my mom's alone (SO out of town), after watching Bridget Jones baby (great movie). I start crying at the beginning middle and end of the movie.

Sunday would've been my first mothers day. I asked my SO if he still wanted another kid (he has 2 from previous marriage)he replied not sure. So I lie here crying thinking how awesome of a grandmother my mom would be (she has a step grandchild). How awesome it'd be to see my grandparents light up when they see they're only great grandchild. And how amazing my SO would be to father another child (and I could personally witness it all).

SO has 3 neices that already had two kids of different ages. Well name them B, L, K. B has a 13 and 1. L has 5 and 1. K has 6 and 4.

L got pregnant 6 weeks after having her now 1 yo(the new baby is now 6 mo).

B is now preg with baby 3 knows the dad.

K is now preg with child 3 and doesn't know the dad.

All 3 of them have already said they can't afford the kids they have. All working fast food, living off family, and none know what they're going to do when they have the baby. All dump they're kids on family members like they're old laundry.

But here I am having to pretend I'm so happy for them.

I'm over here wishing I had they're so called problems, because maybe then I wouldn't feel an emptiness.

I'm over here crying cause I wish I had 3 kids to take care of.

The 1 yo that b has was born 2 weeks after my mis, I couldn't hold him cause I couldn't hold back the tears if I had held him.

Miscarriages are looked down upon, 1 in 4 have them. So why are they treated like it's something we have to just get over.

I didn't publicize mine till almost a year later.

This mothers day my mom asked if I was ok she knew the day it happened. But I couldn't till her Sunday that I wanted to be selfish and mope.

So I got to have a girls day with my mom, aunt, little cousin and the grandmother that doesn't even know I ever was preg in the first place.

Sunday I got to see all over fb people saying happy mother's day to everyone else. I got one from the boys mom cause I'm the step mom.

I feel selfish and stupid right now for even typing any of this, let alone knowing I'm going to post. But SO is with out our service or I'd call him. Everyone else I know are asleep.

Maybe now that it's all off my chest I can try to rest my thoughts a little.