Depression hit hard this weekend.
I have had depression since I was 14. This weekend it hit the hardest it has hit in a while. It my have been my medication (metformin) messing with me, but yesterday was the first time I had thought of self harm in a long time.
When my depression hits, I feel nothing. I don't want to do anything. I try my best to do what I love and end up fed up and throwing it across the room. I felt pathetic, useless, unwanted, and that this world would be better without me.
My biggest fear is that when I do have a child, will I be a good mother, or will I mentally abandon them like my mother did. My mother didn't raise me, my brother and father did. My mother was never mentally there from when I was 13 till I left for college. When she finally tried to be a mother, she knew nothing about me. My teenage years were me making sure that she didn't OD and was in a comfortable position before I left for school. I came home, cooked, cleaned, did homework, and went to my room to cut myself. I never went out for fear she might need me. I felt nothing. Feeling the pain and then relief was the only thing I could feel.
I don't want to be like that again but that feeling came back. It wasn't till my husband's blood sugar was extremely high that the mother instinct kicked in and I was able to take care of him. That instinct got me out of my funk. Then got me thinking, maybe, even with my depression, I would be an ok mother.
Sorry about ranting, I just wanted to get this off my chest.
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