So in my culture, it's really frowned upon to lose your virginity before marriage. This coupled with a few childhood incidents such as when I was molested by my brother, I've always thought to protect myself even more. As much as possible, I shunned away from any sort of sexual relation with another human being. Solely relying on masturbation for sexual release.

That being said, eventually it reached a limit at 19 when I decided to go a little further with my current boyfriend. Our sexual relationship was gradual and he had been very understanding and careful not to overstep any boundaries or scare me off. He knows about my past and he's very kind about it.

3 days ago, we went farther than before. I was urging him to go further...I'm not certain if I still am considered a virgin, and this has honestly been bothering me endlessly. The moment was very hazy since we had just woken up. Basically, he went inside but it hurt when I tried to lower myself more, but when I adjusted my position, it didn't hurt as much and he went further in. My hymen isn't broken, but I think it's stretched. He stopped me before he could go all the way in because he knows the kind of reaction I have afterwards...

Whenever we finish, I suddenly regret everything. I believe like I shouldn't enjoy it...like it's wrong. I feel embarrassed like I shouldn't be sexual, or enjoy myself this way. He tried to tell me otherwise but it's practically imprinted in my brain and I just don't know what to think anymore. I just feel horrible after, all the time. I feel judged, impure, or anything that this stupid culture claims non-virgins to be.

Aren't I allowed my sexuality? Aren't I allowed to want it? Aren't I allowed to feel good too?