making myself be raped? i think i need help
So my only real official relationship was when i was 15 he was 19, it lasted 2 months & he raped me.
I lost my virginity at 19 to a friend who became my fwb. It was absolutely perfect everything i could have ever wanted for my first time i love it.
Since losing my virginity ive had 7 additional partners. 2 I ABSOLUTELY regret, & 2 i just could have gone without having had sex with them but i don't regret them the same way i do the first two. There is also a guy who i dated where one of the times we had sex i regret it.
SO HERE IS MY ISSUE: with these encounters that i have regretted having sex it's not just that i regret them after it's something im sure even beforehand that i don't want to do i don't want to at all but i say yes it's fully consensual but i know deep down im saying yes to just get it over with & satisfy the guy. I want it over as quick as possible & if it starts making me reminisce the rape experience when i was 15 i will black out in the middle of having sex (sometimes multiple times) & after a minute maybe a couple idk i come to & realize that i had just completely checked out. Afterwards i feel like i have been raped because i know i didnt want it BUT I KNOW IT WASNT because i said yes & i mean all these guys are my friends & obviously cant read my mind. I act into it & say yes & they know my past & would never force me to do anything even if they didnt know my past. They arent those kinda guys but i have just recently realized that i do this & im disgusted with myself
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