then & now

I just had my second abortion a few days ago. My first was with my then boyfriend & father of my kids. He pressured me into it after I got pregnant on my birthday. All he could think about was the due date was to close to our daughters & his birthday (2 days apart) I cried for months over that baby. I developed a drinking habit & shopping addiction racking up 3 credit cards thousands of dollars. Then the same time I should have given birth I got pregnant with my son. I was so happy to have a second chance only to have my sons bright life be sucked in darkness by his fathers cheating. He left me & tried to take my babies with him. Thank god I have so many supports on my team. Months later I find myself sleeping with my best guy friend. We have hooked up for years we are amazing together yet he refuses to date me due to my kids. Next thing you know I'm 18 days late & am 5 weeks pregnant already. I txt him & it had only been 2 weeks since we last talked & in that time he's already dating someone new but doesn't want to give up our sex. I'm pregnant. He is shocked & he wants me to keep it while he thinks about moving out of state to start a business. Or give it up for adoption. I wish I could be that person to give another family a baby I wish my heart was that big so I didn't have to have an abortion but I know I'd be so self consumed thinking about the child if I gave her up. I know I'd drive myself nuts worse than I do now. I wish that he wasn't such a man child that wanted to be there for our child. I wish it was all different. I feel weird about this abortion I have cried twice now & idk why if I'm just numb or I really made an adult decision for the right reasons. I don't regret it, it is for the best till I get where I need to be. I guess I feel worse from my first cause I didn't want that. I want one more child but not this way. I know nothing is ever perfect but maybe one day it will be better.