The reality of my pregnancy was far from beautiful. From week 11 to week 23, I threw up multiple times a day. I felt awful and lost a bunch of weight. I had a constant debilitating headache for a solid month in my second trimester. I went to the ER for bleeding at 6 weeks and again at 15 weeks. The mood swings were so severe that they drove a wedge between my husband and I, causing him to cheat. (We ended up going to marriage counseling and are in a better place than we were before it happened.) 

I didn't get the pregnancy I wanted but I thought that I would have the birth I wanted. 

LOL nope. 

I spent the last month and a half of my pregnancy in and out of l&d triage for preterm labor and false labor.

 When I finally did go into labor, I was in labor for 48 hours before the hospital finally admitted me. I'd gone into labor on Thursday morning and I labored all day at home. We went to the hospital that night and were sent home because I was only 1.5cm dilated. I labored all day Friday at home, screaming and crying from the pain. Night came and my husband had to go to work. We decided that I would stay with my parents that night for safety. My mom came and got me at 10:45. We got halfway to my parents house and I was screaming into my pillow. My mom decided to take me to the hospital instead. We got there, they checked me, and I was 5cm so they admitted me. I asked for the epidural right away. I had horrible back labor and I couldn't take any more. My mom called my husband and he rushed from work. They gave me the epidural at 12:45am and, by 1:30am, I was stone cold asleep. I remember very little after that until they turned my epidural off at about 8am. I remember periodically saying okay to whatever the nurse was telling or asking me. I apparently said ok to pitocin when I stalled out at 9cm. I also ok'd a peanut ball at some point and I remember my mom being absolutely obsessed with it. I remember being desperately hungry and being angry because I'd ditched my birth plan that called for me to eat when hungry and drink when thirsty. I came out of my epidural induced sleep (read: coma) around 8:30am and labored awake until I was pronounced 10cm at 11 and told to start doing practice pushes to get my baby to come down past my pubic bone. He started crowning at about 11:28am and he was born at 11:32am. I had a second degree tear and my baby had pooped on his way out. I remember waiting anxiously for my son to cry and the relief when he finally did. I didn't let anyone but myself, the nurse, and my husband hold him until we were moved to the other room. 

I was kinda shell shocked for the first two days. Going over and over the decision to get an epidural and being angry at myself for it. Until my husband got tired of it and snapped me out of it. I felt robbed in those couple of days and that wasn't fair to me. Any way that gets baby out safely is the right way and I wish I'd known that before.