Just needing a little place to vent, and this may be the stupidest thing you've ever heard but.... it bothers me. It may also be a little selfish but... Still I feel like I just need to let it out. 

My daughter just turned 11 months old today and I really want another baby, but my husband on the other hand... I just... I don't know. It's like he doesn't want to, so he's making up excuses not to rather than just saying he doesn't want to. We always said around the time our daughter turns 1 is when we'd like to try again. But.... It's like... I don't know. 

Here are his 2 reasons (which will probably make me sound selfish, but as I said this is truly bothering me):

1) You need to get healthy first. 

This. I used to have dizzy spells and chest pain and anxiety attacks. I haven't had any of those in a while and it's not like I can control anxiety. I'm 99% sure my dizzy spells were actually dehydration. 

2) I don't wanna have another baby when you're 9 hours away. 

Okay. Here's the selfish part. My husband is in the service. He joined against my wishes. Well I went along and moved to his first duty station with him, and a few months later is when my anxiety came back full fledged. Where were stationed isn't very nice. There is no base hospital and the only hospital around is horrible. We come from a city where the hospitals are nationally rated. Meanwhile the one here can't even hold a 2 star review on google. They're absolutely HORRIBLE. I could never get into a doctors office here, they would never call back. I called many. I went to the OBGYN office here once and it wasn't a good experience, they didn't have their stuff together. All in all. Living with him wasn't working out. I started to cough up blood, and things just got bad. So I moved back to our home state to live back with my parents and raise our daughter. My husband's job doesn't deploy but because of his job he's constantly coming and going for weeks at a time. We just never know when he'll be gone and for how long, and he always seems to leave as soon as his gets back or is gone way longer than projected because they break down multiple times. I also, forgot to mention there are no good paying jobs here where he's stationed. I'm about to start a job back home where my mom works and I will be making $13.50 an hour from the start. 

I guess.... I just really don't understand. I'm really hurt and upset by it but I'm trying to put a smile on my face. I know there are bigger problems in the world; but he knows, and has always known, how badly I really want my kids to be close together in age. I guess I just don't understand why. Those are the only 2 reasons he will give me and I feel like it's not fair. I know a relationship is for 2 people.... But he went against my wishes and joined in the first place and that's why we're 9 hours apart. I moved home to get healthy, because I didn't have any friends here, because the healthcare here sucks, because there are no jobs to be had here (besides like servers and they don't make enough), so my daughter could get to know her grandparents, her aunts, her uncles, her cousins... Because all of our family is back home (both his and mine). I just. I know I'm probably being petty. But I can't deny my feelings and I don't know what to do besides just be sad about it and keep going.