Recently I came to the closest BFP I've had in over a year. Truthfully, well over a year. 

11 days late. Signs and symptoms (blessed to have my daughter, so I know them well), a faint positive on the 5th late day- and then horrible, unmistakable pain and bleeding 6 days later. Early miscarriage. 

I'm at the point now of the TTC game where I try to lessen the amount of time that I tell people I've been trying.  In these forums it isn't necessary, we all get it, but in everyday life, it gets to be exhausting explaining why either baby 1 or another baby isn't on the way.

It took close to 2 years to have my wonderful, amazing, and imaginatively sarcastic toddler. She is my world.

And she's fantastic with other kids. I have always wanted more than one child, and I especially do now that I know how much my little wants a sibling. We've wanted number 2 for over a year. Between life, work and whatever else, I tell myself that we really have only been trying for 10 months. 

Im finding myself lessening the real time, because of the real pain it brings.  

After this last miscarriage, after the momentary pause for possible excitement- and then the familiar sorrow- I had a choice. 

I could sit and feel sorry, or I could keep going. There are only those two options for now, before clomid, <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> and other methods. I will go there when my body tells me it's the only way- but before that, it's important to remain "me". 

It's depressing at times going through this TTC struggle. As women we know it in a way our partners could never understand.  They may try, and their support is crucial to our effort, but at the heart of it, it's us. 

So my message to you all is this: it's not that you're not enough, you are and some. And when you can't believe that, do something for you. 

Call a friend and cry, watch an old sappy movie favorite, fix something around the house, enjoy a child (yours or another's) and embrace their laughter and play for the beauty and life they are rather than beauty and life you fear you lack. Or walk, run, swim. Whatever you have to do to let the stress escape you. Just don't hold it so long your arms get tired, mind hurts and your heart aches. 

I've dwelled on those moments in the past where TTC felt hopeless, and in turn so did I. In the end we're left with the feelings we allow ourselves. So do something to feel joy, empowerment, and life. Whether your BFP comes naturally, with help or through adoption, a practice of centering ourselves on those values beforehand will never lead you astray. 

My heart, blessings and hopes to you all ❤️ and of course baby dust xoxo