what happened to me as a child! I need help

I was 12, I was sexual abused and mental and physical abused for 2 years. That was the worst two years of my life. He was 39 at the time, I thought he loved me and wanted to be with me but he really didn't. He used to make me do things I didn't want to do sexual and if I didn't do them he would hit and beat me. He used to threaten me and tell me he would kill me if I didn't come back and I was scared for my life. He used to drug me and tie me up and start touching me places and if I started to make noise he would beat me. He had gotten me pregnant 6 times and every single time. He would beat the living shit out of me so I would have a misscarridge. Still from this day I fear my life and my mental state. Everyday i am challenged with even getting out of bed and starting the day. I have night mares of what he used to do to me, I used to want to kill myself everyday to get rid of the pain he put me though. I started taking drugs to feel nothing, overdosed all the time to die. But nothing worked. I still live Day by day, trying to get over what i got put though. But sometimes you don't, and it kills you inside to the point of not caring anymore about yourself. Letting everyone around you take advantage of you, like he did because that's all you been used to. But one day, I want to be happy. Truely happy, which I've never been...

Since then my life hasn't got better, thinking to myself everyday things will get better, but they don't. I feel in myself the day will come when all this pain and misery will disappear. That will be the day I die, the happiest day of my life. Because then I'm free 🦋