Lost baby at 7 weeks today

Britt šŸŒ² ā€¢
I'm still in a state of numb shock. I'm sure tears will come later. Yesterday I was angry at myself for getting excited about the pregnancy so quickly. After all, miscarriages happen to 1 in 4 women, and did I think I would be "special?" Later I cried. Binge watched The Wonder Years. Writhed through horrible cramps. Today I feel empty.
My husband took the day off work and stayed with me at the hospital, where I had my 1st (and last) ultrasound for the pregnancy. Nothing to be seen in the uterus. Did the baby ever exist? Was the baby already gone before I had the ultrasound? They took hours to confirm blood tests, trying to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. That really scared me. I was relieved when it finally looked like a normal miscarriage.
I will miss my husband terribly tomorrow.
I wrote to the doulas that I was going to interview next month. I hid the pregnancy journal and books I had bought for my husband and myself. I texted and talked to a lot of people. I feel grateful to have so many kind, loving people in my life.
I was getting so used to the idea of being someone's mom. I felt so lucky. And I already miss it. šŸ˜”