Becoming pregnant wasn't planned. I was going through some things and when I had my suspicions and then when they were confirmed- I was terrified. I was terrified because I'm only 18. I had a job that had only been giving me 8 hours a week and being paid minimum wage, living at home, and in my senior year of high school. I was terrified because I had worked so hard to not fall into the footsteps that came before me and my plans were going to have to be put on hold. That was me being selfish. 

When I finally got over my initial feeling of fear- I felt nothing but love for the life I was creating. The life I was going to be responsible for. I was ready to give it all away for him or her. I picked out names, decided on what events I was going to have surrounded around him/her, thought about how I was going to raise him/her, took those stupid quizzes that predicted  the gender (which always said "girl" but I felt deep down it was going to be a boy), and counted down each day I got further along. When everything took a turn for the worst, I thought of every single thing I've done wrong... maybe I shouldn't have eaten so many bags of chips, maybe I shouldn't have lifted that mop bucket or trays of cookies at work, maybe I should've forced myself more times to take the big ass prenatal pill. I blamed myself for thinking selfishly, maybe this was karma for my first thought not being out of love when I found out. When I got home after being told my baby's heart beat stopped and my body hadn't recognized that my baby died 3 weeks prior, I shouted through tears and gritted teeth "I HATE YOU" towards God three times and instantly felt guilty. I knew that these sorts of things happen to plenty of people and that there really wasn't anything I could've done to prevent it. It sucks knowing I'll never meet my little angel but I can only think maybe he or she had a bigger purpose elsewhere. I can only thank God for the experience and move on from it. 

A few minutes away from it being a month since my physical miscarriage and I still feel the heaviness in my heart and occasionally have moments when I cry, but  I'm pushing through it and you all will too. One day at a time.