Girl, I know and feel your pain. I got pregnant for the first time in late January 2011, found out in march it was twins, and at 11.5 weeks, on April 1, 2011 I lost them. I was utterly devastated. I grew to be so depressed that I quit my job, and didn't leave my room other than to use the restroom and binge on junk food for about 3 months, no lie. It totally consumed me. I used to be a very sexual being, and from that point on, I all but stopped having sex with my then fiance, now husband, and would even stop halfway through, claiming that it hurt when it didnt...just to avoid pregnancy all together. I just never wanted to feel that pain again.

After we were finally married in 2015, the longing I felt to become a mother finally overcame the fear of pain, and we started trying again. After 17 months of trying and obsessing over ovulation dates and late periods, I was done. I was reliving the miscarriage every month when my period came. I was becoming extremely depressed and felt like I was losing my mind, my marriage, and myself. I told my husband I wanted to stop trying. I convinced myself that maybe we would adopt one day, and maybe that was my calling.

In those 6 years, my older sister had a set of twin boys and my youngest sister had a baby boy. I wanted to be excited for them, but my heart broke with every announcement, every sonogram. I wanted it to be me so badly, and I let it get the best of me. I never showed it, in public, but my husband has held me so many nights as I sobbed myself sick or asleep. People would tell me "When you stop trying, that's when it will happen!" I smiled politely, but on the inside those words made my blood boil.

BUT, as much as I hate to admit it...that's when it finally happened. I swear it was the hour long full body massage hubby got me for Valentine's day! The first test I took on a whim...and the 10 after that was due to being in shock. I was so happy that first week...and then the fear set in again.

On the outside, I was happy and glowing...but on the inside, I was a nervous, anxious, self-destructive mess. I was just bracing myself for those words..."We can't detect a heartbeat..." I was imagining my husband's world crashing down in front of him. Wondering if our new marriage could withstand such a blow. I know he loves me, but I am surprised we made it through the last one. I had visions of returning baby clothes and toys...like last time. I had so much fear that I couldn't truly be happy or excited...I wouldn't allow myself. The miscarriage was not my fault, but for the first 12 weeks, I punished myself for it all over again.

Then, I thought to myself, my baby deserves better. My baby deserves a happy, healthy Mommy. My baby deserves to hear happy stories of my pregnancy someday. I am now 19 weeks, 3 days. The fear has never truly disappeared. It rears its ugly head every few weeks, usually the week leading up to a doctor's appointment or sonogram. I even gave myself such a bad panic attack that it landed me in the hospital. But, I try my hardest to focus on the positives, and tell myself that these aches and pains are signs of healthy baby growing inside me. I look forward to milestones now, instead of dreading them. I stop reading articles about loss and complications. I start reading ones about the baby's development and tips and hacks for healthy pregnancy. I watch gender reveal videos and cry tears of joy when I see the new parents' reactions. I watch newborn and birth story videos.

You may never escape the fear. There's always a risk of losing your pregnancy, and the risk of losing a child doesn't end at birth. But you are strong, and your baby deserves a healthy, happy Mommy. Give yourself permission to get excited, as hard as it is to do. Someday, when you are holding your baby in your arms, telling them about the first time you felt them kick, or how often they had hiccups while in your belly...it will all be worth it. Your child will probably rather hear stories of how much joy they caused you when you were pregnant with them, than how much pain or fear you had during those months.

These are things I try to tell myself every time I start feeling anxious or fearful. This will probably be a post that I will come back to every few weeks, just to remind myself to breathe.

To those of you out there who feel scared, I understand. But you're doing great, Momma. It goes by so fast...try to enjoy it while you can.

All the love, and stickiest babydust to all of you Mommas and Daddas to be 😍😘❤👣👐👶🏼👶🏿👶👶🏽🍼😄💋