The next 2 days were a blur especially the first one. Once again, I'm not sure if was the shock, the depression, the medicine. I remember struggling to move and I remember choking which I later found out was just the ventilator. When I actually woke up Billy was standing to my right. He was crying and holding my hand. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that Raiden was born without a heart beat but they brought him back and that we both lost a lot of blood.  I fell back asleep. I woke up again and he was still holding my hand crying. I tried to tell him that everything was going to be okay that I prayed for him. I fell back asleep. When I woke back up they were wheeling Raiden's incubator into my room. They asked if I wanted to meet him and I said of course. The one nurse said, "were need to take him out she needs to hold him." That's when it really hit me that things were very serious and that normally they don't let them be held if they're critical. This obviously could be the only time I'd see him alive. They put him beside me and I put my finger in his hand and he squeezed it. I was still really out of it. The nurse asked me if we wanted him blessed and I said yes. She went to look for someone to bless him so unfortunately there was nobody available so she brought back water in a syringe and said that she would have to do it herself that they didn't have time to wait. At this point they put him back in the incubator and told us he had to go. I went back to sleep. From here on out everything is really fuzzy. I don't remember the exact order of events. I know a chaplain came and talked to us. I remember him saying a prayer but I can't remember what else he said or what he looked like. At some point the nurse that wheeled me back came and visited me a couple times. I don't remember our conversations. At another point the lady that did Raiden's blood transfusion shortly after birth came to see me. She talked to me for a long time about what happened but I don't remember any of it. She was visibly upset. I later found out that they technically aren't supposed to do the blood transfusions there, they're supposed to be transported to Savannah to have them done. She was the only one in Hinesville that knew how to do them and she fought for Raiden to get his done right away. She knew he wouldn't make it to Savannah without one. There was a call off at the hospital that night and she was called in so she wasn't even supposed to be working. It was a miracle that she was there that night. It was like God knew what was going to happen and put together the perfect team that we needed. Everyone was so fast and knew exactly what needed done right away. I'm so thankful for them. At some point my blood pressure was really high and they did tests and that's when they found the pre eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. One of Billy's sgts wives came to see me, I barely remember meeting her. I remember them taking me off the Magnesium drip and trying to explain to me that I could push my morphine button a lot more often than I was. Everytime I woke up they kept asking if I wanted to meet Ronin before he went to Savannah. I kept falling asleep. Finally they brought him in and laid him on my chest and he cried a little and then relaxed. I held him for a few minutes and they took him to Savannah also. Billy soon after went to be with them. Later that day they took out my catheter and I went back to sleep. When I woke back up a nurse came in to help me go to the bathroom. Getting up and actually moving was so painful. She said if I didn't have the magnesium drip I could have gotten up sooner and moved. After getting back into the bed I don't really remember much from that day. Just Billy coming back crying. On the second day Billy's mom came down. I remember it being the 3rd day. I actually really don't remember anything else from the second day. On the third day they sent me over to the mother baby unit to finish recovering. (Where I had the biggest bitch nurse ever.) besides the point. The next two days are also jumbled in my head. The one day the nurse that wheeled me back (Mandy) came in to see me again. She was crying and asking how Raiden was and saying she couldn't stop thinking about him worrying if he was alright. She told me that she was the one doing chest compressions on him for almost 5 minutes. I later on on different shift had a nurse that was there that night that was doing my IV. She caught Raiden after he was born and was the one bagging him to breathe for him. It was incredible meeting these people that saved his life. Billy's 1st sgt and one of his other sgts came to see me at one point and the sgts wife came to see me again. When things got a little clearer Billy helped me shower and I had my medicine switched to a medicine that worked a lot better for me. I felt the best I had the whole time. Billy and I went and took a discharge class. The next day I got to go home. I had a panic attack right before we left. The next couple days were the most depressing days of my life. I've felt depression in my life but NOTHING to this extent. I couldn't process what happened or put anything together. My mom and aunt Florene got here the second day I was home. I couldn't focus on anything. When everyone would talk at once I couldn't hear anyone. It was like sensory overload. We went and saw the kids that night. I remember thinking how beautiful they were and I couldn't believe we made them. 

Since these days things have gotten clearer, I remember bits and pieces of more and more everyday. Billy keeps blaming himself saying that he shouldn't have brushed his teeth or changed his shirt. I feel responsible at times because I sat on the toilet for a minute or two bleeding before I could actually move. When in reality everything we did was better for them than panicking and we had no way of actually knowing what was happening at that moment. A couple days ago a nurse told us that she has been a nurse for 10 years and never has seen this happen to anyone. I remember nurses telling me in the hospital that we were celebrities. While visiting the kids one day at Savannah Billy ran into my high risk doctor there and he couldn't believe what happened. Probably because I asked so many times if it would. It's been so challenging to see Raiden the way he is and wonder if he'll have a normal life or have a severe disability. Obviously no matter what we would love him just the same. I get sad that his brother is doing so well and he's still struggle to do simple things. I understand it's a day at a time thing but it's hard to see your child like that. I'm especially sad that tomorrow we will only be bringing one baby home with us. And instead of bringing home Raiden I brought home 2 arms full of bruises, a high blood pressure, and unbearable sadness. I feel incomplete. They should still be in my belly safe and healthy and together. And in a couple minutes Raiden's life was changed forever. I struggle with the fact that he was dead inside me when that should have been the safest place for him. I know he has really good people taking care of him in Savannah. He is a miracle baby.