I'm five weeks pregnant and completely not okay. My husband is ecstatic and I'm just angry, scared, and sad. At 33, the window of opportunity for having a child is already closing, so if it was going to happen, now is the time. However, the reality is I'm already annoyed by the fatigue and cramps, angry that I can't do things like enjoy bleu cheese and good wine, and dreading the hours of boredom that I already experience around babies and children (as well as a sizable portion of the adult population). I realize that will sound selfish to many, but I loved my life before. I like what I have built and the freedoms I enjoy. I see all of that as completely shattered now for an unknown entity.

I want to be excited, I really do. I want to be excited for my husband, for me, for our families (whom we have not told, once), and for this embryo growing in me, but I'm simply not. It doesn't help that the darn thing looks like a prop from Aliens right now rather than anything remotely human. I'm science-minded, I know this is the process, but literally everything about pregnancy and motherhood is repulsive to me in this moment. 

Everyone on this app seems so happy and anticipating motherhood with joy, which is wonderful to see. I was hoping there might be others like me so I feel less alone in this, since my husband certainly does not want to hear it. He vacillates between seeming to love me more than he ever has and shutting down completely when I voice my concerns and fears and frustrations. He dotes on me normally, but there is a rift now. 

I am a pantheist and eschew religiosity and any talk of miracles. I'm also a realist, and things do not "happen for a reason" in my worldview. Everything occurring is an effect of nature taking its course as it has for millennia, I am no different than the countless generations of women before me in that, and yet I feel utterly alone.